Monday, January 11, 2010
I never realized the array of emotions that I would go through being chronically sick. I always thought that if I was sick all the time I would brave through it with no problems. I wish that was the case. Right now I am exhausted fighting this Lyme. I have completed 4 months of Omnicept and now I am on Cipro for the Bartonella Co-infection and testing for genetic celiac and gluten intolerance. So the new changes are not done yet. I may have a permanent lifestyle change when it comes to what I eat. I get worried what the results maybe say. I thought I would be over this Lyme thing by now. In May it will make it two years I've been in treatment. It wasn't suppose to take this long to get better. Now I wonder if I will ever get "better". Hope is slipping out of my fingers. I am scared of what the future holds. If I will be able to have more kids or not is foremost on my mind. I feel like I am watching that dream melt away. I need a new infusion of new hope and some new dreams to keep going on this road to recovery. Its a really long ride. I just want it to be over and its still here. Life is exhausting as it is. I don't need Lyme on top of it. But I have no choice in the matter. Some days I feel alone and hopeless. That is today. The finances stress me out and more medical bills drive me crazy. I am looking for peace and I am not finding it. I love my son and husband dearly but sometimes they just add more stress. When my Lyme makes me feel pretty yucky I can't stand to have them around because they always want something from me. I feel like I have nothing to give. I feel so empty. Its not their fault. I feel guilty because I become a dark cloud, depressed, witchy, grouchy, annoyed, etc. I can't stand being asked to give, when I can barely get myself through the day. I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I have to accept where I am at and its hard. I hate Lyme!