Posts

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"I'm not just working on healing my body.  I'm working on healing my confidence.  My belief in myself has been torn from me for so long.  And now it's slowly returning.  This is recovery...this is remission...this is my new frontier and I am meeting it head on."~Angele Rice    --6/4/2017--

Hold Fast

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Hold Fast
Stop telling me to hold on,  I've been doing it for days,  months, years, lifetimes
Stop saying it will be okay, It's not okay,  Pain, misery, agony  are never Okay
Stop telling me to look for my lesson, No lesson should be so harsh, My body is abusing me And I am done with it
Stop listening to me, Only to reply, I am not up for fixing,  guilting, constraining,  My body has already tried to put duct tape over my mouth.
Stop staring at me,  My pain is visible today My body made that choice not me, You do not see the full picture of my internal torture, Think iceburgs:  only a small portion is visible while the rest lays under the surface. And if you were pain would you take a shower, get dressed, put on makeup or fix you're hair? 
Hear Me, See Me, Touch Me,  with you're humanity, with care, with truth and humility.  Learn me, notice me, hold me My body is my prison. And today I'm not okay.  How I get through my pain is my choice. I already know tomorrow m…

Daily Life

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It's hard to explain to someone that after you vacuum, wash and dust floors that you feel so exhausted you feel like you could nap for hours just from doing that short burst of work.  Its not something that everybody can understand and relate to.  You have to choose between getting something done that's a priority and use up all your spoons or not doing it at all so you can conserve your spoons to do a series of smaller things instead.  I don't like having to stare at dirty floors but some days I have no other choice it's either survive my day and have dirty floors or clean my floors and have no energy for anything else the rest the day or even the day after sometimes.  So I'm not lazy as it may book to someone else what I have to be selective on what activities I do when how much and with how much energy I'm going to be doing them.  No one likes bumping into their limitations.  And no one likes overdoing it to the point that they can barely survive for a coup…

I am not Fine

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I'm not fine.  I worry everyday that I will be told I'm going through menopause and have cancer.   I'm not fine and give everyone everything.  And I left with nothing but feeling drained.  I'm not fine I feel numb, lost, exhausted, sad, alone.   I'm not fine I feel like I have no meaning.  And if I was gone no one would notice.  Only thing they would miss for a fleeting moment is what I did for them only.  But they would never miss me.  I'm just used and disposable.  Just like a plastic red cup.  I am not fine the physical pain is always there in some form but it never stops ever.   I am not fine I don't feel rested, I feel like I'm watching myself trying to live a life but why does it have to be so fucking hard.  I am not fine I just want to be alone in my dark place.  It's the only familiar place I know only too well. I am not fine the anxiety, depression, brain fog, muscle spasms, eye fog I hate it.  Just because I move everyday doesn't mean …

Inner Escape

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I think we all get to this concentrated and clogged point where we stop talking and go inward.  We escape to the inner self to heal.  We run within hoping we can get skip the storm of pain and emptiness.   We try to decorate our inner homes with positive memories we hold to, holding them close reminding ourselves good things still happen on the outside just not right now and we hold on some more.  We extend hope a few more lengths.  The problem becomes when we live in our inner homes to the point we never come out.  Where we don't trust outsiders with white coats, or friends who say they care.  It's becomes our only world.  Our only internal existence.  there are many days of pain, depression and anxiety that I endured on a couch or laying on a bed exscaping to my inner world replaying old memories, thoughts, good and bad, replaying songs or old movies.  It was bits and pieces jumbled up together.  I know this may not make sense to some but I can get lost in my mind for hours …