Turtle Brain

Here I am trying to type an email crying, realizing that at 40 I still struggle cognitively after 27 years of dealing with tick borne disease to just accomplish a simple task.  I admit I lack the training but it’s beyond that.  It’s as if my brain is mud.  And every word I try to retrieve sinks back into the abyss.  I hate not being able to sound like I have a college degree.  I have to type, erase, type, erase, over and over.  It’s so belittling, so depressing, so frustrating to have limited expression of so much turmoil.  To not know when my brain will work to unexpected blank stares and sighs because nothing “comes to mind”.  Some days I just want a moment of normal.  I have fought so long, so hard.  I think I deserve to have my brain work for once.  Why do I have to work 10 times harder then the next person just to complete a simple Facebook message?  Why can’t I just speak and share what I already know?   No one would want this.  It’s feel like I’m degrading myself without wanting to.  My hands are tied behind my back but I’m suppose to churn out as much as the next person.  Expectations are such cruel things.  I expect myself to do way more than I can right now.  I am my own worst enemy.  I beat myself up for letting me down.  It’s so hard to let go of.  It’s painful.  I don’t enjoy walking up hill pushing a bolder.  Lyme Brain/Brain Fog is so much more tormenting than the words describe.  It’s my personal hell.  It pushes me so far inward that I never want to come out of hiding.  I’d rather be silent than have to work so damn hard to communicate.  It’s draining work.  It takes away all my spoons.  I just want some relief!  I’ve gotten myself this far.  Why can’t I get the rest of my brain to cooperate when I need it most.  I think this is why I can’t stand grammar.  It’s hard enough to get the words out in the first place let alone trying to edit them into some form of readable or understandable language.  I’m sure you will find plenty of writing mistakes in this post.  Believe me it’s messiness resembles the state of my brain.  My hand writing used to be so horrible.  Beyond recognition and after some years of treatment it’s become okay and I can fill in a planner within reason and remember to do it.  It’s so true when people say recovering from late stage Lyme disease is like recovering from brain damage.  I guess I’m impatient.  I want my brain back 110% functioning.  But that’s not where I am at currently.  And life is going at a blazing speed while my brain is on turtle speed.  I know I’m not alone but sheesh can I get a break please!  To think I have a 6 year History Degree and nothing I say or write is able to reflect that.  I feel like I have a thorn in my side that I want ripped out.  I have so much that I want to do and accomplish.  I’m sick of fighting through this broken brain to get it done.