Monday, November 29, 2010

Ups and Downs of Life

I tried to come off my antibiotics and I managed to go for about 5 days until the co-infections started to really ramp up again. My system is still so up and down. This sea-saw life is really starting to get to me. I really wish I could take a vacation from it but unfortunately it follows me. I do great for about two weeks, yeay! Then crash, crash, crash, all over again, the sweats, runs, nausea, feeling like my hands and feet will burn right off my body...etc. Not to mention the feeling of anger, isolation, fear, anxiety, depression, and pure madness. I'm surprised no one has checked me in to the psych ward. I just don't understand it anymore. This messy thing called Lyme Disease. I understand that in this life I may not know the "reason" for all this suffering. I understand it on an intellectual level and the rest of me is just ticked off. I do want answers! I keep coming back to the same conclusion and the same stinking question, I don't know but I want to know now! Why? Why? Why? I get I need to hold on, long-suffering; to put up with, I've been doing lots of that these days. But for how long? When will I be relieved? Where is the help? Where is the break? I want an "out" and I am never given one. I still have to keep walking over hot coals. Don't get me wrong, life has its beauty in people, animals, sunsets, and the smile after helping a friend. I just hate the struggle. I know that butterflies have to struggle to strengthen their wings. I have a hard time believing all of this torture will make me a better person or strengthen me in some way. I feel like jello without a mold, wiggling all about with no grounding force around me. And I am about to scream. At the same time, which I don't know how this happens, goods things come across my path and I am happy for a moment or so and life isn't so bad. How on earth can all those same feelings be inside me raging about, mixing, all at the same time? How is that even possible inside one body? But I tell you that is what its like to be me. One minute up and the next down. Life the up and down affect.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Hello World

My computer is finally fixed thank goodness. I was starting to go crazy not being able to work on certain sites and my photography. I am surprised looking back at all of my photos from the past two years how much I have grown as a photographer. Its the one area I actually have some confidence in. I came off my antibiotics and of course other Lyme symptoms are now acting up. The knee pain, fatigue at night especially around 6pm, my skin is getting better though, and my stomach and vomiting is over with. I just think 9 full months of this abx was enough. Not sure what I will be taking in the future. I just want some sort of balance. If the other symptoms get worse I will need to go back on some sort of abx but I'd rather not if I can avoid it. I just hate the burning hands and feet. It feels like I touched a hot stove and you can't get away from the feeling. I have been sweating through shirts and super emotional too. I can't wait for some of that to go away. Right now I am trying to find ways to earn some money part time online if I can. It would help us out. Not sure what my next protocol will be and switches usually are expensive at first. Especially if I end up on Zhang for the co-infections. I think that will be the next step. I still take all my other meds and I do okay during the early afternoon but the night and mornings take a while to get through. I feel like an inch worm during those times of day. I am surprised at how much christmas shopping and decorating I've gotten done despite how I feel. I just need some more direction in my life and new goals and dreams for 2011. A little fun couldn't hurt either. This rain and lack of sun doesn't help either. It makes for a depressing entire day. I have been trying to get out with my son and not stay at home all day. I have found some great homeschooling families in the area and even though our schedual and life circumstances are crazy, people don't mind at all. The other moms are willing to get together when ever we are able. That's been a big help. Hoping to get together after the holidays. Not sure if I will homeschool next year because when I'm sick we don't get as much school work done but it has helped my son grow in certain areas where he was behind. Which is super cool! I have no clue where this crazy life will take me but I want to get a support group going in my area by the end of 2011 and maybe get my story in the newspaper around here. Not sure yet how I feel about that. I just get sad when my mom or husband tell me of another person with embedded ticks and given NO treatment. So sick and tired of hearing this! Time to get moving!

Black and Blue

The day has torn my flesh away,
my body rots to the bone,
my heart is ripped,
I am black and blue.

My eyes are plucked from my head,
my mind is alleviated of memory,
my soul is ravaged,
I am black and blue.

You keep asking me if what I am going through is real,
Live my proof,
I am black and blue.

You keep starring, as if I am faking this pain,
Walk in my shoes,
I am black and blue.

In all sincerity, I don't give a s--t what you say, my bruises tell the story,
I am black and blue.

Still working on this song. Its graphic and so is Lyme Disease. Any feedback would be great.