Ups and Downs of Life

I tried to come off my antibiotics and I managed to go for about 5 days until the co-infections started to really ramp up again. My system is still so up and down. This sea-saw life is really starting to get to me. I really wish I could take a vacation from it but unfortunately it follows me. I do great for about two weeks, yeay! Then crash, crash, crash, all over again, the sweats, runs, nausea, feeling like my hands and feet will burn right off my body...etc. Not to mention the feeling of anger, isolation, fear, anxiety, depression, and pure madness. I'm surprised no one has checked me in to the psych ward. I just don't understand it anymore. This messy thing called Lyme Disease. I understand that in this life I may not know the "reason" for all this suffering. I understand it on an intellectual level and the rest of me is just ticked off. I do want answers! I keep coming back to the same conclusion and the same stinking question, I don't know but I want to know now! Why? Why? Why? I get I need to hold on, long-suffering; to put up with, I've been doing lots of that these days. But for how long? When will I be relieved? Where is the help? Where is the break? I want an "out" and I am never given one. I still have to keep walking over hot coals. Don't get me wrong, life has its beauty in people, animals, sunsets, and the smile after helping a friend. I just hate the struggle. I know that butterflies have to struggle to strengthen their wings. I have a hard time believing all of this torture will make me a better person or strengthen me in some way. I feel like jello without a mold, wiggling all about with no grounding force around me. And I am about to scream. At the same time, which I don't know how this happens, goods things come across my path and I am happy for a moment or so and life isn't so bad. How on earth can all those same feelings be inside me raging about, mixing, all at the same time? How is that even possible inside one body? But I tell you that is what its like to be me. One minute up and the next down. Life the up and down affect.


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