Showing posts from September, 2016

Daily Life

It's hard to explain to someone that after you vacuum, wash and dust floors that you feel so exhausted you feel like you could nap for hours just from doing that short burst of work.  Its not something that everybody can understand and relate to.  You have to choose between getting something done that's a priority and use up all your spoons or not doing it at all so you can conserve your spoons to do a series of smaller things instead.  I don't like having to stare at dirty floors but some days I have no other choice it's either survive my day and have dirty floors or clean my floors and have no energy for anything else the rest the day or even the day after sometimes.  So I'm not lazy as it may book to someone else what I have to be selective on what activities I do when how much and with how much energy I'm going to be doing them.  No one likes bumping into their limitations.  And no one likes overdoing it to the point that they can barely survive for a coup…

I am not Fine

I'm not fine.  I worry everyday that I will be told I'm going through menopause and have cancer.   I'm not fine and give everyone everything.  And I left with nothing but feeling drained.  I'm not fine I feel numb, lost, exhausted, sad, alone.   I'm not fine I feel like I have no meaning.  And if I was gone no one would notice.  Only thing they would miss for a fleeting moment is what I did for them only.  But they would never miss me.  I'm just used and disposable.  Just like a plastic red cup.  I am not fine the physical pain is always there in some form but it never stops ever.   I am not fine I don't feel rested, I feel like I'm watching myself trying to live a life but why does it have to be so fucking hard.  I am not fine I just want to be alone in my dark place.  It's the only familiar place I know only too well. I am not fine the anxiety, depression, brain fog, muscle spasms, eye fog I hate it.  Just because I move everyday doesn't mean …