These days I still need to pace myself. I have a new set of limitations that I have to listen to and I still have my bad days they just don't come as often. So just because I'm heading towards remission it doesn't mean that I don't have in the back of my mind that if I overdo it that I could crash really hard. It's a constant struggle between I really want to do something and what will the cost be later and I really want to do something so I'm just going to do it anyway no matter the cost. It's not something that I always talk about but it is an automatic conversation I have in my mind. Should I do this, how will I feel afterwards and is it really worth whatever consequences that could happen. Welcome to the life of a chronic lyme disease patient.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Thursday, September 8, 2016
I'm not fine. I worry everyday that I will be told I'm going through menopause and have cancer.
I'm not fine and give everyone everything. And I left with nothing but feeling drained. I'm not fine I feel numb, lost, exhausted, sad, alone.
I'm not fine I feel like I have no meaning. And if I was gone no one would notice. Only thing they would miss for a fleeting moment is what I did for them only. But they would never miss me. I'm just used and disposable. Just like a plastic red cup.
I am not fine the physical pain is always there in some form but it never stops ever.
I am not fine I don't feel rested, I feel like I'm watching myself trying to live a life but why does it have to be so fucking hard.
I am not fine I just want to be alone in my dark place. It's the only familiar place I know only too well.
I am not fine the anxiety, depression, brain fog, muscle spasms, eye fog I hate it. Just because I move everyday doesn't mean I'm fine.
I am not fine I'm sick of the psoriasis, itchy crawly skin, medical bills, a couple of good days then bad days. Why can't they all be good.
I am not fine and I'm sick of the everyday fucking struggle to just get up and live.
I'd rather be fine than chronically sick everyday of the week, year after year. I would trade anything I have to not be her. The one that has to say she's fine but never is.
If I have to say one more fucking time that I'm fine I will rip out my hair.
Because I'm not fine.
I will never be fine.
And no one including me can change that.
I am not fine at all.
Stop telling me, fixing me, giving me band aides, advice, sayings, poor yous,
Cause guess what, I am not fine!!!
And there's no pill to fix this.
I am not fine. I feel like I dying from the inside out on every level.
Would you be fine with that?