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Showing posts from 2011

Unspoken

You were only here for a moment,
I wanted you here forever,
You are my unspoken hurt.

You were a part of my future plans,
I saw you as the missing piece to our family,
You were my unspoken hopes.

You were the vision in my husbands eyes,
I saw you as our future daughter with curly hair,
You were my unspoken dreams.

You were the perfection,
Between husband and wife,
You were the sum of our essence and love.

So why did you have to go?
I will never know,
But I will remember you forever.
I hope God will keep you safe,
Until I see him face to face.
You are my unspoken child in heaven.

Dirty Side of Life

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Things were never suppose to go this way,
They were never suppose to end,
I imagined them differently,
But they changed so suddenly near the end.
I had no time to change my course of action,
I couldn't move from the path I was in,
I saw the collision coming,
I could only close my eyes and stand,
That's the dirty side of life.
Watching the storm roll in without bein' able to move.
Alls your left with is the broken pieces in your hand,
With no where to go,
Who would understand why you didn't move?
Everyone.
(country song)

The Mystery of Life

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Don't under estimate misery's blade,
It can teach you to stand,
On one leg.

Don't under estimate disappointment's sting,
It can teach you to hope,
With half a wing.

Don't under estimate grief's torment,
It can teach you to be joyous,
When nothing is left.

Define your life with what you have left,
Not what you have lost.

Rebuilding

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I am not used to these new boundaries with my health. I can walk up to two miles in a day and the next day I am not in horrible pain that sends me to the couch for days. I am tired a lot and still need some B12 shots. I didn't realize that its common with Celiac to have low B12 and low Iodine. So I have been trying to supplement those and get them from my food. Now that I am homeschooling my son this school year and coaching his soccer team, I can officially say I am doing more than I ever have in 4 years. I keep surprising my family and friends by choosing to walk around town to get places. I have never really been like this and would find a way to get out walking. So I have surprised myself and walking does help bring down the stress. I still have the age old problem of finding time for me. I do have some great support in the homeschooling community and online with my wonderful Lyme friends. It breaks my heart that there are so many people sick. I am getting question…

Aiming for Perfection

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I've been seeing my Naturopathic Doctor for a few years now and the last time I saw him we were talking about my current symptoms and what we wanted to work on next. I told him how fatigued I was so later during the visit he took my blood to test by B12 levels, candida and a few other things. I told I was fine with trying to get my health as close to normal as possible and I would take whatever I could get. He looked at me and said,"why not aim for perfection?" He kinda took me off guard. I never thought with Late Stage Lyme Disease there was a complete recovery. I always thought I would only achieve some normalcy but that was it. I would always be struggling with my health bottom line. I thought I had to be okay with that. I told him perfection would be nice, my heart and mind were not behind that conviction that I could be truly healthy again. I took this piece of wisdom with me and mulled over for days. Could I really get better? Is that possible? We did …

Stuck in Reverse

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I ran too quickly,
I fell too far forward,
I assumed the best too soon.

I took too many steps forward
And now its time to take them back.

I wanted you so badly,
I saw you for a moment,
And I started to hope again.

I took too many steps forward
And now its time to take them back.

You are the sand slipping between my fingers,
you are my fleeting memory,
You are my dashed hopes.

I took too many steps forward
And now its time to take them back.

I am left with emptiness,
I am left with a broken soul,
I am left with pieces of me.

I took too many steps forward
And now its time to take them back.

One day I will walk forward,
Pause,
And think of you,
And I will smile knowing one day I will see you again.
The magic is in the trying.

How do they do It?

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When I was first diagnosed with Lyme Disease and sitting on the couch everyday it seemed with a young child running circles around me, I started to ask myself how do other people with severe chronic conditions do it? How do they still live their lives? How do they have a life in the first place? I admire Stephen Hawkings, Michael J. Fox, etc. people who have chronic conditions that will never go away. I liked the title "Incurable Optimist" which is one of Mr. Fox's books. It made me think even more how on earth do you stay optimistic when you are vomiting all day long with a young child and no one to help.
Almost two years ago, I had one of my worst days ever with Lyme Disease. It was spring time when I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. I kept thinking if I just take my pills and eat a little bit. My stomach would settle down. Within an hour I was vomiting and I did not stop for a couple of hours. I ended up vomiting up to 10 times that day. I was shaking fro…

What Lyme Has Taught Me~ Lesson One

I've just started taking B12 shots again. The pharmacy was kind enough to give me longer and larger gauge needles than what I was using before. So I had to toughen up and just do it. I am a human pin but at least it is giving me some energy to keep up with my life. It does make me wonder how long I've been dealing with this deficiency. I have always felt to some degree that I just don't have the same get up and go like everyone else. I always thought it was a personality thing. I have no idea until my test results come back. This situation does remind me of how I felt when I first realized I was positive for Lyme Disease.
I was so mad that no doctor thought to test me for Lyme Disease or even give it a moments thought. For so long I was told you are faking it. I even had a nurse one time write on my medical records in the office that I was a hypochondriac and looking for attention. I scoped out the notes she left behind when she wasn't looking and my heart s…

Looking for the Pat on the Back

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My whole life I have looked for "the pat on the back". I wanted someone to tell me I was doing something right. I needed those words before I believed I was doing something wonderful, spectacular or amazing. I thought I needed someone's approval before moving ahead. The problem with this need, it kept me from moving forward because the whole time I was looking backwards, bumping into my past constantly. I don't know what it is about this Lyme journey, being a parent, or being in my thirties. This need of mine is shrinking, and I am being to realize I never needed anyone's approval. I only needed my own. I know some people call this confidence. I call it growing up. You gotta understand I've been sick for as long as I can remember. Since 8 years old or so I remember getting horrible nerve pain down my legs. I had was in and out of the hospital in my teens from asthma attacks. My health was a part of my feeling like I didn't belong. As an only…

Agony

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Agony in silence,
tears in dark places,
pieces of me on the ground,

Paths are twisted
around my feet,
fork in the road.

Lost without vision,
homeless,
shapeless.

Myths are broken,
raw truths
flopping on the ground.

Luke warm promises,
straining
my hands.

Bending the soul,
skeleton framed spirit,
heart still trying to beat.

Agony of body and mind,
escape,
release,
Now!

Song Stick Figure

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Stick Figure



My soul is battered,
Holding on to strings
of a shredded purse now.

My soul is weathered
Holding on to pieces
of the clouds now.

My soul is tattered,
Holding on to memories
of my life now.

My soul is shattered,
Holding on to tears
of my heart now.

Where’s my reward at the end of the day?

Where’s my rainbow for all the debt I’ve paid?

Where’s my apology for all my disrupted ways?

The emptiness is creeping in,
The emptiness is creeping in,
The emptiness is creeping in,

I’m a stick figure with no inspiration,
I’m a dark shadow in a powder room,
I’m a contradiction in your logic.

The emptiness is creeping in,
The emptiness is creeping in,
The emptiness is creeping in.

Back then versus Now

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At this point in my life I never thought I would start to feel so comfortable with myself. I have been a wall flower long enough I guess. I am starting to get the hang of networking with friends, homeschoolers, Lyme survivors, other bloggers, photographers, etc. I have been talking and meeting with some very cool people. I used to be so insecure and waiting for someone to reject me. Now I go for it and if someone thinks I am weird so be it. Life is way to darn short for me to wait around any more hoping someone wants to connect. I am looking for the connections this time. And it feels pretty good too! I am also writing songs now which I never thought I would be doing. I already write poetry but songs, me?? I have even come up with some melodies that go along with the lyrics. Is this me? I never thought this would be me. The lady who worries she just gonna mess it all up. The perfectionist, worry wort, wall flower, nervous nelly that has been me for way too long. I reme…

It blows my mind....

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It really does blow my mind how much one persons body can go through yet the human spirit lives on despite it all. I marvel at our ability to live everyday, to find the good pieces and hold them tightly. People have told me I am strong. I rarely ever feel strong. I guess weakness is the new strong after all. I think its more like vulnerability that is seen as strength. And it is! I am amazed at how our society watches people suffer to see what they will do. Its human nature I think. I think we all wonder the special ingredients it takes to overcome insurmountable odds. So what are they? When I have that figured out I plan to let everyone know! I am still learning what that is for me in this life with my own set of circumstances and state of health day to day. If I have learned anything after three years of treatment is simply this to never loose heart, be truthful with the pain you are going through the right person will listen eventually, and don't loose your humor. …

The loss I feel

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The loss I feel everyday,
chips away at my faith,
my hope,
my wear with all.

The loss I feel everyday,
reminds me to fight,
hold on,
and don't let go.

The loss I feel everyday,
can control my heart and soul,
crushing me,
silencing any spark of happiness in me.

The loss I feel everyday,
makes me stronger,
to fight for my friends,
and protect those I love.

The loss I feel everyday,
rips me to the core,
steals my dreams,
and gives me nothing but heartache.

The loss I feel everyday,
makes me a better advocate,
mother,
and wife.
Because it reminds me, my life is a fight, worth winning.

The Season of Waiting

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I laugh everytime I hear the saying "hurry up to wait". Lyme disease is such a strange disease. One week you do okay, the next can be pretty good and the next you are sitting on the couch. This happens even with a steady regimine of medicine, vitamins, and other supportive therapies. You can try so hard to get back to "normal" and end up gaining very little. Yet in the midst of this internal battle, life goes on with or without you. This push and pull is where I think I find the most frustration. I call it a good when I can be physically active for a few hours and be in pain the next day. You would think by now I would have given up. 3 steps forward and 4 steps back. On and off antibiotics. I hope this is just a season of waiting for a better quality of life. I hold on to this thought. That this too shall pass into the next season of soaring. Its in the valleys that we develope the wings to fly.

Moving Forward

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I have been off the antibiotics now for a few months. Other than the fatigue, things seem to be doing okay. The twitches have come off and on. They make me wonder how much permanent damage may already be done. Also keep wondering if it can be fixed. Hubby's been working lots of hours, I've been up and down in my health and my sons social and emotional problems all seemed to get intense this past few weeks. I am glad that the stress level has been brought back down again. And we all have had some good talks with each other too. Now we need to consider what school is best for my son this coming fall. Still doing research but making progress slowly. Its been hard trying to get together with friends. So glad this week is filling up nicely with some alone and adult time for me. I needed to put myself back into my schedual. Now if we can get some family fun time and a date we would be golden. And some more warm temps and sunshine would be nice too!

Closed

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I placed myself in an empty shell,
I handcuffed my shadow with the ghost of life gone past,
I slipped my heart into a jar.
And traded my soul for a plastic face.

A tragic sculpture of compromise,
The truth is sucked from my veins,
Replaced with dusty reapproach.

So let me slip away into the museum of life,
Let me be your tragic love story.
Poisoned by lies,
And overcome by impulse.

Leave me in my agony,
This statue has nothing left to give but a fake look of contentment
And an empty smile.

Look into my eyes,
See the light fade,
I have lost my vulnerability.

The Trenches

I started a new protocol a month ago and this had been going well without the antibiotics.  I tried to stop some of my adrenal homeopathics and in the end I am flat on my butt as usual all over again.  The hands and feet on fire and burning along with my throat.  My heart racing when I go up the stairs.  My eyes are burning up.  I always get sucked into the thought that this battle will be over one day.  And I will be better and get to live a normal life.  Talk about fantasy land!  I have to go back on antibiotics for a while and I will need to buy more adrenal herbs.  More money out the window.  In the meantime my wonderful 5 year old is driving me crazy with his favorite new trick potty talk.  I am worn out, tired and lonely from all of this.  I am trying to keep my cool.  Its not that easy some days.  I know its a normal kid stage but add a sick mom to the mix and it gets crazy!  I am trying to rest so we can get out a little tonight.  I think my son and I are both feeling the isol…

During the Winter of Lyme

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May will mark three years since my diagnosis with Lyme disease.  I am still trying to get in and see a Lyme aware dentist.  I need a cleaning and cavities filled.  I am taking lots of vitamins and minerals on the KPU protocol.  It seems to be helping slowly.  The acne on my face is starting to clean and the pain is starting to lower.  If anything I am so tired by supper time and I need some down time every few days.  I am proud of myself to have made it this far.  I have taken several big steps towards recovery.  I just hope I can continue this upward trend.  I feel closer to my family and friends and I have learned some key lessons.  I doubt the learning will end anytime soon.  I can keep up with the housework for once, sortof, and stop to enjoy the little moments with my son.  I have some many ideas, dreams and goals.  Maybe they have a chance to come true after all.