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Showing posts from 2012

Loved Quotes

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"Stop Chasing Ghosts, they have nothing left to give." Angele Rice














My words
I can only be me,
and that's all I will ever be,
I can only be me,
and that's all I will ever be





“When you get to the end of all the light you know and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.”
― Edward Teller

“Whatever you are physically...male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy--all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel








Bits and Pieces

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A variety of my thoughts that I chose to write down and keep.




Burn your boxes
I don't fit in them

Burn your boxes
And watch the flames go to heaven
See the sparks you are creatin'

"You lost what you cannot hold."~Breathe




You told me I was looking for attention,
I was asking for your hands,
I was asking for your help.

You told me I was looking for too much,
I was asking for your arms,
To hold me.

You told me I was looking for someone else,
I was asking for your heart,
It beats like no one else.

You told me I was asking for too much,
I was only asking for your kindness,
I asked too much.
Vulnerability invites everyone to participate in the conversation.

Bartonella and Me

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When I was diagnosed 4 years ago I never thought I would of been taken this journey, I thought just take the antibiotics and everything would be done and over with.  I also thought Lyme Disease was the illness that would never get better.  I am still in treatment for Bartonella a nasty bacterial infection ticks also carry.  It makes my hands, feet and face feel like they are red hot on fire for no reason.  I don't sleep well and I get cranky more than I would like from feeling so darn uncomfortable.  I have been off any heavy treatment for a while and now just using herbs to kill this stubborn Bartonella.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever truly "recover" fully from this Late Stage Lyme and Co-infection's.  I am fortunate that Lyme led me to my Celiac diagnosis and now after close to two years on it I have gained 15lbs and yes that's a really good thing.  I weighed 97lbs for a long time and barely had any strength to do anything.  I can now walk a few miles a we…

Moving, Going

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Moving Forward,
Going Down,
Moving On,
Going Back,

Moving hurt,
Going to heal,
Moving pain,
Going to rest,

Moving Forward,
Going Down,
Moving On,
Going Back,

Moving through,
Going around,
Moving up,
Going deeper,

Moving Forward
Going Down,
Moving On,
Going Back,

Moving slowly,
Going fast,
Moving sideways,
Going towards,

Life is in constant motion, I am in constant motion, my health is in constant motion, the earth is in constant motion, moving, going, ever changing,

The only constant is Me

Make Pretend

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Sometimes I just want to detach from all of my health issues and make pretend they don't exist for a while.  I just want a moment's escape until something rips me back down to reality.  I am trying right now to homeschool my 7 year old son, keep my house somewhat clean, and magically find a way to take care of myself too.  No matter how much I try to head off the fatigue right now it still finds me.  I took a nap yesterday and like someone tapped a switch by 5pm I could barely keep my eyes open.  I am wondering what is going on this time.  I need to go see my Naturopathic Doctor but still trying to get into a good schedual my son and I both can handle.  And my ND is over an hour away which puts a crimp in my plans to just go see him whenever.  My sons school work needs to get done.  So I think I will need to move some things around and get down there to see him.  Sometimes I'd rather not go to see my ND at all so I don't have to go through the solving problem loop agai…

Seeing the Blessings in the Darkness

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For as long as I can remember I've been in pain.  Nerve pain, headaches, sinusitis, asthma, muscle pain, back pain, overwhelmed by light, not as strong as peers, and just not able to keep up.  I've always hated my body because of this and it has taken me a long time to accept myself the way I am.  I admit its not an easy road and I wish I didn't have to go through all those valley's.  Now I have somewhat of a pain tolerance and that works in my favor.  I've put the dishes away with a full blown migraine and son calling my name.  I have learned to adapt to this crazy unpredictable body.  Now loving the pain it causes me will never happen but realizing how much this illness has taught me is beyond valuable and has come in handy more than once.  I wrote a list when I first started this blog about 4 years ago.  So I decided it was time to update that list and remind myself of the blessings in my life and lessons I've learned.  I've come a long way and its good…

Paradigm Shift

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It wasn't until recently that I realized I've been sick or in pain since age 8. Now at age 35 I am slowly entering into a time of decent health. I keeping thinking should I be doing that? Am I doing too much? It's like my brain is stuck in a different time. I am not used to having a body that can keep up with my passions. I kinda like it but at the same time I don't want to leave my Lyme friends behind. They have been such a great support to me. I still detox quite a lot right now and have a little more Bartonella bugs to kill. Other than the occasional migraine or sleepless night my good days out way my bad now. I feel like I get a redo in my life. To really focus on what I want to do with myself other than homeschooling my son and running a house. I enjoy being an advocate, researching, connecting, grass roots, lady. Now that I look back over the past 4 years of treatment I see the path I've taken and I amazed how far I've come. I am excited to …

Leave me as I am

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Leave me as I am
You never cared worth a damn,
You could never see me as I am,

I am never for pity back washes,
I am not for eyes rolling in your head,

Did you ever need me after all,
You seemed quite fine on your own.

I am right here pleading on the floor,
Do you really need me any more,

Don't ask me for you to stay,
Cause your leaving anyway,

I couldn't love you,
As a ghost,
Mirages fade away.

I'm on my knees begging you please,
Leave my broken pieces on the floor,,
Cause I don't need you any more.
No I won't ask you to stay seeings how
You are leavin anyways.
No I won't turn around to say good bye,
I am done chasing ghosts,
I deserve more.

Pushing me Down

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I was hoping you would let me give up,
And give in,
I could use a break,
from the battles I'm in.
Hold me on the floor,
Wipe my tears with rags,
And scrape the doors with broken glass,
Tearing my skin are all my short comings,
Pushing me down,
Pushing me down,
Pushing me down...

I was hoping you would let me give up,
And give in,
I could use a break from all the pain I'm in,
Caress my face and lie to me,
Tell me it'll be over soon,
Life is,
Pushing me down,
Pushing me down,
Pushing me down....

I am being crushed down to my limits,
Pushing me down,
pushing me down,
pushing me down....

(modern folk song)










Recreation

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No one tells you that when you have a chronic illness that the past you buried will find you once again.  All the loss, hurt, pain, and disappointment that you knew was there would one day come up again when you are dealing with a current loss, hurt, pain, and disappointment.  Over the past 4 years of treating Lyme Disease I realize I keep seeing this theme of start and finish, birth and death, denial and acceptance.  I see that my chronic health problems have push old skeletons out of the closet.  I can feel like I am out of my mind tired, try to clean the house, balance the bills, take care of my son, the list can keep going.  In my heart, something starts to build.  After a few months I realize how much of a burden I am towing around with me.  Which of course forces me to look at all the other pieces of luggage I am carrying along like, friendships that have ended, disappointments, abandonment, anger, even rage.  By the time my mind stops whirling I realize all the crap I keep in …

Detoxing the Soul

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After a year in remission with this illness, I now have to find a way to come to terms with being back on treatment.  I didn't realize until today how much anger and resentment I have towards this illness being back in my life.  After 4 years, I can handle the pill popping and the bad days that come with herxing and needing to detox my body.  I have found ways to make myself happy like photography and breaks from taking care of my young son.  But how do you really detox the soul from all the hurt, self blame, physical pain, outbursts of anger, out of this world rage that's not you, depression that just seems to take over, and anxiety that someone might see your body out of control.  I feel like I have already dealt with this disease for way to long.  Each day that I am back on treatment seems to make it that much harder to get myself out of bed and into life again.  I wish there was just a way for someone to breath life into me again.  Its like someone knock the hope right ou…

Holes

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Holes in my shoes,
left from all my traveling,
Holes in my shirt,
from all the work I've done,
Holes in my socks,
from all the sweat I've shed,
Holes in my head,
from all my thinking,
Holes in my heart,
from all of my worry,
Holes in my soul,
from all the pain you put me through.


New Photos for Sale

I have new photos for sale in my Red Bubble store.  All funds created from this account will allow me to pay for my herbal medications to rid my body of Bartonella.  My new herbal medicines cost between 100-200$ per month out of pocket on top of my Naturopathic doctor visits every 6 weeks and he lives an hour a way.  In the end, it adds up when I am not able to work at all.  I want to make my own money and take care of my meds so this disease will not have such an impact on us financially.  I also want my financial independence back too.  Please help me stand on my own two feet.
Sincerely,
Angele

My Own Peace of Mind

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Love you keep breaking my heart,
Give me room to heal,
Let me fix in my own way,
Give me time to find some peace of mind.

Love you go on like that,
Sound like it will be okay,
Forgiveness you say,
You will show me the way,
Just for today let me find my own peace of mind.

Love you remind me,
You have come through before,
You don't remember the score,
You try to heal hearts in war,
Just for today let me find my own peace of mind.

Love you hurt,
Love you are ripping me apart,
Love you have broken my spirit and soul,
Just for today let me find my own peace of mind.

Love let me feel my pain a while,
let me sit with my demons,
surround me with Angels,
so when I am ready I can love him again.
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I am back on treatment for Bartonella after almost a year of being off treatment.  It is only irony that almost one year later I have to start paying out of pocket for new herbs, go see my ND every 6 weeks, and stop my 2 miles walks.  The fatigue is back and my magic hour is around 5pm.  I start to nod off on the couch trying to keep up with my son and house.  The floors need cleaning and dishes need to be put away but I am at the point I just don't care I am so tired.  My small body twitches are back too and as I realize all the symptoms that have left and returned you would think I would be tearing my hair out.  Instead I am either anxious or depressed, relationships scare me.  I keep wondering if I am saying too much, too little or just not making sense at all.  Too bad face to face conversations don't have backspace buttons to push every time I make a mistake.  I could use a redo.  I keep going back to certain key relationships in my life trying to make peace with the har…

Put Your Cares Away My Friend

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Put your cares away my friend,
pick yourself up and speak softly,
whisper sweet regrets,
And confess your dreams to me.

Put your cares away my friend,
let your feet trip,
And on the way up,
let me know how it feels to be free.

Put your cares away my friend,
leave your worries behind,
take off your doubt,
float in the air,
feel the breeze,
count some sheep for me.

Put your cares away my friend,
unfold your heart to me,
see yourself like I do,
treat yourself with kindness like I will,
realize you are too good to be true.

Put your cares away my friend,
look forward and deep,
see the road before you,
dreams await your attention,
salutations of joy will be heard.

Put your cares away my friend,
you tear yourself apart
you try to heal scares,
embrace the grit and jagged edges,
embrace yourself.

Dysautonomia

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I have been dealing with Dyautonomia type symptoms for a couple years now.  I was fortunate to find some herbals that actually help.  I came off them to try to get pregnant.  Now here I am again needing to take them all over again.  The out of pocket cost doesn't scare me, its nothing I haven't dealt with before.  I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I have been off antibiotics (abx) for almost a year and just as I finally recover from a miscarriage by blood pressure, body temp., balance, pulse, and sleeping patterns go whack!  I can't take much more from this disease.  You think you have Lyme disease beat and then there goes something wrong again!  I am even having a hard time focusing on my typing.  Its very frustrating!  I home school my son and my husband works lots of hours.  I feel like someone beat me up again and left.  I was starting to walk 4 miles a week and actually keep up with my busy life.  Now my house and trashed and I just don't care!  I…

Sweet surrender

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connection

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I needed your open arms,
I needed your open chest,
I needed your open heart,
I needed your open soul.

I wanted your attention,
I wanted your affection,
I wanted your protection,
I wanted your connection.

I sought after affairs with love,
I fell in love with love,
I left love because it felt so empty.
If only my needs and wants were met to begin with.

The problem is I need connection,
To feel protection,
to accept affection,
to receive attention.

The problem is your soul was closed,
your heart guarded,
your chest protected,
your arms crossed.

"Little Bit Stronger"

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I had company over last night and my friend new I had Lyme Disease really bad in the past. I showed her one of my video's on youtube where I was twitching severely. It was just one year ago that I could barely get around, fatigue, severe body and vocal twitches, bad pain, insomnia, etc. I could go on. I took a minute after seeing that video again and realized how far I have come. But also how all those years of treatment have changed the very core of who I am. I will never be the same person I was four years ago when I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. My view on life has changed so dramatically. I have stopped pushing people away who offer help instead I try to balance when I need help and when I need to push myself to do it on my own. I am trying to make positive friendships and slowly nurture them instead of being clingy. I no longer ask why me, instead I take the day I am given and make it work to the best of my ability and slowly go forward. I see my needs and ackno…

2012

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I am turning 34 this year and I have come a long way baby. My Lyme Disease is somewhat under control and my celiac diet has helped me to gain healthy weight. I have started to work out again just walking for now. My son is gonna be 7 this summer and I am enjoying teaching some basic arts and craft classes at our Homeschool Co-op where my son attends some classes one day a week. My view of who I am and where I am going I feel is under going another revolution. I have always wanted to become a counselor after having one more child. My only set back right now is my heart racing off and on for no reason. I keep tabs on my B12 and Magnesium. I hope its not any signs of co-infections still hanging around my system. Lyme Disease is so strange. You can get to a great stretch of decent health then something happens. And you are reminded of the bugs that can still come out to play if you are not careful. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. A blood test that comes back p…