Recreation

No one tells you that when you have a chronic illness that the past you buried will find you once again.  All the loss, hurt, pain, and disappointment that you knew was there would one day come up again when you are dealing with a current loss, hurt, pain, and disappointment.  Over the past 4 years of treating Lyme Disease I realize I keep seeing this theme of start and finish, birth and death, denial and acceptance.  I see that my chronic health problems have push old skeletons out of the closet.  I can feel like I am out of my mind tired, try to clean the house, balance the bills, take care of my son, the list can keep going.  In my heart, something starts to build.  After a few months I realize how much of a burden I am towing around with me.  Which of course forces me to look at all the other pieces of luggage I am carrying along like, friendships that have ended, disappointments, abandonment, anger, even rage.  By the time my mind stops whirling I realize all the crap I keep in the corner's of my heart.  Its like my chronic health forces me to clean house all over again and take stock in what I need to work out, deal with, face, or move on.  I feel like every couple of months I am constantly going through these variety of feelings, dealing with them to some degree that I can handle and trying to cope with the answers that I find.  No one can tell you that chronic illness may break your body but can be a chance to heal your soul.  Believe me I never thought I would ever say that.  Looking back I realize all the lessons I have learned.  Some I have had to learn over and over because my current struggles brought up such a deep pain that I have several layers to deal with before I can get to some place of peace.  I have some deep hurts that I think on some level I will always be dealing with and facing from time to time.  Its no wonder when some one says they feel like they are going mental from all the pain and suffering Lyme Disease brings.  They are!  I have experienced it first hand.  Its like one minute you are just surviving and the next you are remembering how someone in your left just abandoned you as a kid.  And for some crazy reason it happens all in the same day or even minute.  Chronic Illness really pushes your limits.  I thought I had a high pain tolerance until I started treating Lyme Disease.  Now I don't dare say it because every time I do I swear my body hears me and honestly I don't want to do that again.  I am just amazed how much our physical bodies can impact our mind, soul and spirit.  There have been times when someone wouldn't believe me that I was sick and thought I was faking it.  Before I knew it I was remembering high school when the cool kids would make fun of me and belittle me.  I think that's the hardest part of being so sick without breaks, that physical turmoil pushes the souls limits, as if all that old crap has to go so we can just barely get through.   All this sickness brings up so much pain that I feel forced to deal with what comes up so I can find some peace.  Sometimes I am able to do so and sometimes I just have to leave it along for awhile and let myself be angry, vent, and let the pain come up and out.  For me its like taking off another layer, slowly getting closer to some inner peace.  Its a pathway to maturity seeing the truth of where we are in life and somehow coping with the facts.  Its not easy to accept the brutal facts of my situation especially on the days when I am sickest.  To be honest with myself that I may never "get better" and certain relationships in my life may not ever be the way I want them to be or meet the needs of my heart.  At times I look at where I am now and where I've been and I am amazed at how much I've changed as a person.  I am not sure I would be the same person today without a chronic illness in my life.  At the same time I wouldn't want to do this all over again either.  Lyme Disease is nasty stuff!  I am glad that I am evolving as a person and I like the person I am becoming.

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