Monday, August 12, 2013

Getting Lost

I went to the store today to grab some groceries.  I kept circling around the store because I couldn't remember where they kept the burrito wraps.  Now I've been in and out of this store for 5 years it's two minutes from my house.  But for the life of me I couldn't remember where half the items were on my list.  So I kept wondering around the store hoping I would remember where things were located reading signs over and over.  This is the perfect definition of what we lymies call Fog Brain.  It comes and goes when you least expect it and its like all of a sudden you are a dementia patient that has broken out of the home for a day.  You start to second guess everything you do because in the back of your mind you are worried you forgot something important and it's embarrassing to admit at any age you just have no recall of things you should know off the top of your head.  It can be beyond embarrassing somedays.  I've also said stupid weird things for no reason like I just blurt them out and there is no stop button.  Or my poor husband tells me things I just don't remember.  My long term recall is horrible as its is without Lyme Brain.  When the two collide its crazy.  I lost 65$ in movie tickets and I still can't recall a memory of what I did with them.  Not to mention all the other items I loose then find months later.  Either you cry and hate yourself or laugh and make jokes about this stuff.  It does help to swap fog brain stories though.  Sometimes it's hysterical and funny like putting cereal in the freezer or locking yourself out of the house.  Lyme disease really does affect the mind on so many levels in varying degrees.  So if you love a Lymie give them an extra loving hand as best you can.  And lots of understanding and patience.  We may forgot where the cereal box is but we remember kindness.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Truth of Now

I feel like I am waiting to wake and be fully alive instead some days I feel like I a drowning.  I start to make strides in my health but instead I watch other people's lives move forward while mine stays stuck between full time on the couch and well enough to lead a full life.  I hate this mediocrity, luke warm, half way living.  It's over rated.  I had all these dreams I wanted to fulfill instead I am watching them fade into the background.  I have never had a career outside being a mom and wife.  I want more but I feel like its just not possible.  I need new dreams at 35 but I am so sick and tired of fighting for just a few inches of ground.  The ups and downs of Lyme living seems to be unseen.  It's a silent suffering we lymies endure.  And it's so hard to explain to others outside of this Lyme green world the depth of pain, despair, set backs, disappointments we go through in minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years.  The amount of grieving I have gone through the past 5 years is overwhelming.  It blows my mind.  And for sanities sake I have sucked it down, tucked it away, and pushed it away just to survive.  I've done this so much I have found myself numb.  I just want to feel something other than tears and heart ache.  I want new dreams and memories and laugh hard.  I do get times and moments and days that are pretty awesome.  I wish that was everyday.  This is the struggle of every person that suffers with a chronical invisible illness.  And I know I am not alone.  So please hug a Lymie, send your support and love when you can you never know how much it will mean to someone suffering with Lyme Disease.  The simplest things make all the difference.