Truth of Now

I feel like I am waiting to wake and be fully alive instead some days I feel like I a drowning.  I start to make strides in my health but instead I watch other people's lives move forward while mine stays stuck between full time on the couch and well enough to lead a full life.  I hate this mediocrity, luke warm, half way living.  It's over rated.  I had all these dreams I wanted to fulfill instead I am watching them fade into the background.  I have never had a career outside being a mom and wife.  I want more but I feel like its just not possible.  I need new dreams at 35 but I am so sick and tired of fighting for just a few inches of ground.  The ups and downs of Lyme living seems to be unseen.  It's a silent suffering we lymies endure.  And it's so hard to explain to others outside of this Lyme green world the depth of pain, despair, set backs, disappointments we go through in minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years.  The amount of grieving I have gone through the past 5 years is overwhelming.  It blows my mind.  And for sanities sake I have sucked it down, tucked it away, and pushed it away just to survive.  I've done this so much I have found myself numb.  I just want to feel something other than tears and heart ache.  I want new dreams and memories and laugh hard.  I do get times and moments and days that are pretty awesome.  I wish that was everyday.  This is the struggle of every person that suffers with a chronical invisible illness.  And I know I am not alone.  So please hug a Lymie, send your support and love when you can you never know how much it will mean to someone suffering with Lyme Disease.  The simplest things make all the difference.  

Comments

  1. I so understand the struggles you describe here, Angele. Your words ring true. And you're right; the simplest things do make all the difference. I'm sorry your suffering so much. Sending a loving hug your way.

    ~ Michelle

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  2. I found your blog while researching Lyme disease I have been suffering for five years with chronic burning pain in my chest now it spreads from my arms and ventures into my legs I cry most days. I was diagnosed with what they think is Fibromyalgia 10 years or more ago but I am not sure that is the problem as I read what Lyme suffers go through it sounds like the same burning pain. I had a Lyme test seven years ago and it came back negative. I am going to make an appointment to check again. I cannot stand the burning pain any longer. This is no way to live. I understand what you are going through and I do hope you find relief soon.I must tell you I live on a farm and spend lots of time in the bush. Take care and thank you for blogging about what you are going through it helped me to know I am not alone. Take care. The simple things do make all the difference Thank you again and lots of Hugs from me.

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    Replies
    1. My doctor told me they are finding fibromyalgia to actually be lyme.

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  3. I am sorry folks I haven't been able to reply til now my hard drive toasted out on me. It takes my breath away how each of us have our own unique journey yet they all have a similar thread. Yes Michelle thanks for your message and I wrote these raw feelings because I know we are not alone in this struggle as people. Buttons the burning feeling for me has been the neuropathy from the Bartonella. I am finding Lyme Disease and Co-infections are more of a clinical diagnosis until we can improve testing and get more accurate answers. I am sorry you are suffering with this too. Burning from the inside out is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world for sure. Please let me know if there is any way I can help :) HUGS to you both!

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