Truth of Now

I feel like I am waiting to wake and be fully alive instead some days I feel like I a drowning.  I start to make strides in my health but instead I watch other people's lives move forward while mine stays stuck between full time on the couch and well enough to lead a full life.  I hate this mediocrity, luke warm, half way living.  It's over rated.  I had all these dreams I wanted to fulfill instead I am watching them fade into the background.  I have never had a career outside being a mom and wife.  I want more but I feel like its just not possible.  I need new dreams at 35 but I am so sick and tired of fighting for just a few inches of ground.  The ups and downs of Lyme living seems to be unseen.  It's a silent suffering we lymies endure.  And it's so hard to explain to others outside of this Lyme green world the depth of pain, despair, set backs, disappointments we go through in minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years.  The amount of grieving I have gone through the past 5 years is overwhelming.  It blows my mind.  And for sanities sake I have sucked it down, tucked it away, and pushed it away just to survive.  I've done this so much I have found myself numb.  I just want to feel something other than tears and heart ache.  I want new dreams and memories and laugh hard.  I do get times and moments and days that are pretty awesome.  I wish that was everyday.  This is the struggle of every person that suffers with a chronical invisible illness.  And I know I am not alone.  So please hug a Lymie, send your support and love when you can you never know how much it will mean to someone suffering with Lyme Disease.  The simplest things make all the difference.  

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