Saturday, May 26, 2012

I am back on treatment for Bartonella after almost a year of being off treatment.  It is only irony that almost one year later I have to start paying out of pocket for new herbs, go see my ND every 6 weeks, and stop my 2 miles walks.  The fatigue is back and my magic hour is around 5pm.  I start to nod off on the couch trying to keep up with my son and house.  The floors need cleaning and dishes need to be put away but I am at the point I just don't care I am so tired.  My small body twitches are back too and as I realize all the symptoms that have left and returned you would think I would be tearing my hair out.  Instead I am either anxious or depressed, relationships scare me.  I keep wondering if I am saying too much, too little or just not making sense at all.  Too bad face to face conversations don't have backspace buttons to push every time I make a mistake.  I could use a redo.  I keep going back to certain key relationships in my life trying to make peace with the hard truth.  That some relationships will never be what I wish or dreamed they would be.  Its hard to take my head out of the clouds and face reality.  Some people will never change or my reaction to them can.  I am trying to forgive and work within the relationship as best I can.  I guess Lyme Disease has taught me that healing doesn't come over night but in layers.  I guess my heart will heal in a similar manner.  I just wish it would hurry up and be over with.  I look at other families and tight friendships and wish I had the same thing.  The big family that gets together which mine doesn't.  Or the key group of friends from college or high school, I am more of a loner so that didn't happen for me.  I have always been friends with a few key people and that's it.  I am learning to network while homeschooling my son.  For his sake I have had to learn some more people skills.  I am not a natural connector.  I have always been the listener.  Its amazing how an illness can teach you certain lessons that can be used in other situations.  I never though Lyme would make me better.  Believe me not all of this is peaches and cream.  I hate being on new meds that make my monthly budget even tighter.  And I hate it when my son gets lonely on the weekends when my husband works and while his friends are at their family get together's.  Its easy to feel isolated.  I keeping wanting to be by myself more and more.  I have relied on myself as an only child a little too often.  I can get into a mode where I shut off my feelings and bury them down deep.  At the same time, I wonder if people can see the hurt I wear on my face.  I keep thinking of different activities I could plunge myself into and forget about my own craziness for a while.  I still want to go to the local art museum and look through the paintings by myself and enjoy them for a time.  I am so used to my son being with me everywhere I go.  I don't mind it but I think I need to recharge my batteries again.  I am starting to feel tapped out at this point.  I can swallow pills and follow doctors orders.  But my soul needs a break from all of this and I need to relax.  I think tomorrow when my son and husband go to a baseball game I will have some time to myself.  I am looking forward to some silence.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Put Your Cares Away My Friend

Put your cares away my friend,
pick yourself up and speak softly,
whisper sweet regrets,
And confess your dreams to me.

Put your cares away my friend,
let your feet trip,
And on the way up,
let me know how it feels to be free.

Put your cares away my friend,
leave your worries behind,
take off your doubt,
float in the air,
feel the breeze,
count some sheep for me.

Put your cares away my friend,
unfold your heart to me,
see yourself like I do,
treat yourself with kindness like I will,
realize you are too good to be true.

Put your cares away my friend,
look forward and deep,
see the road before you,
dreams await your attention,
salutations of joy will be heard.

Put your cares away my friend,
you tear yourself apart
you try to heal scares,
embrace the grit and jagged edges,
embrace yourself.