Showing posts from 2015

So Very Brave

After 8 years of treatment for Lyme Disease, Bartonella, Babesia, Celiac Disease, MTHFR gene mutation, Multiple Chemical Sensitivity, Chronic Fatigue, and psoriasis, you start to come to a place of conflict.  You want to be normal 100% healthy.  But you realize after fighting with a broken body for so long that you can only get so far.  You get to 70% and say well at least I am this far.  I have worked really hard to get this far.  My Lyme Disease and Babesia no longer give me symptoms and my Celiac Disease is under control.  I still can't have candles in the house or stay in the cleaning section at the store for long.  I am always tired.  Doesn't matter what I do or don't do.  I am tired bottomline.  I don't remember a time when I didn't feel tired at this point.  I have been in pain or sick since age 8 and now at age 37 this whole broken body thing is a job I work at everyday and do my best to keep under wraps so I can live a life.  Or should I say HAVE A LIFE.  …

Starting Over

Its been a while since I've written a blog post.  I guess its because I haven't known how to put into words what its like not being as sick anymore.  I still have down days and flare days but I'm able to be apart of life at this point for about 3-4 days then I need to rest.  Its like you have to change the way you view yourself all over again.  I think I find myself in the middle of a rebirth and I just wasn't sure what to think of it.  I don't see myself as a sick person or broken and I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time.  I guess I'm finding my stride as a parent, a wife, a daughter, a homeschooler, an advocate, as a photographer.  I had an acupuncturist ask me once if I could take all the time I am putting into getting better and put it into anything else what would my life look like.  I honestly had no answer to him.  I couldn't imagine a day without pain or without feeling so horrid that my hope was drained out of me.  I think no…

By Now

By now I was suppose to be a mom of 3 kids,
by now I was suppose to be healthy,
by now I was suppose to be able to move mountains.

My dark encased eyes,
shaking hands,
and foggy brained moments
are all I have left
 of the dreams I once had

By now I was suppose to have a masters degree
by now I was suppose to have a second car
by now I was suppose to have a career

Everyday is guess
Can I get out of bed?
Where did I put my car keys?
I have no energy at all
I can' t focus anymore

By now I was suppose to have lots of friends
by now I was suppose to be able to travel long distances
by now I was suppose to be able to try anything physical I wanted to

When did my life become an odd session of compromises
If I do this, how horrible will I feel later
If I take this herbal/medicine how horrible will I feel until I start to feel better
If I go do something I enjoy, I pay
If I take my medicine, I pay
If I don't take my medicine, I pay
when can I get off this merry go round

When can I stop wondering when the other …

The Treatment Go Round

The Treatment Go Round is nothing new to me after 6 full years.  As I go into year number 7 I find myself becoming resistant to trying anything new for the treatment of my Bartonella.  I've tried at least 4 different protocols for it.  I can't seem to get past this wall and off any heavy treatment I'm around 70% better.  I guess we all hold out hope that we will make it to 100% or as close to normal as we can get.  Problem is I'm sick and tired of being a guinea pig and feeling like I'm a walking experiment.  So I guess you could say I've been on mini-vacation from treatment.

I'm trying to move forward in my life the best I can.  I'm starting to work part time online and the learning curve is catching up with me.  I guess that's what you get for learning from experience.  I'm self taught.  I feel like a jumbled up mess.  I need to move forward in my health, personal life, and career.  I have to brave a whole new chapter without any knowledge or w…