The Treatment Go Round

The Treatment Go Round is nothing new to me after 6 full years.  As I go into year number 7 I find myself becoming resistant to trying anything new for the treatment of my Bartonella.  I've tried at least 4 different protocols for it.  I can't seem to get past this wall and off any heavy treatment I'm around 70% better.  I guess we all hold out hope that we will make it to 100% or as close to normal as we can get.  Problem is I'm sick and tired of being a guinea pig and feeling like I'm a walking experiment.  So I guess you could say I've been on mini-vacation from treatment.

I'm trying to move forward in my life the best I can.  I'm starting to work part time online and the learning curve is catching up with me.  I guess that's what you get for learning from experience.  I'm self taught.  I feel like a jumbled up mess.  I need to move forward in my health, personal life, and career.  I have to brave a whole new chapter without any knowledge or wisdom to guide me along my new path.  I have to fake it til I make I suppose.  I know life is a learning process.  And I am daily student.  But somedays I wish somethings I just knew.  

Why can't at least a few things in this life of mine come easy instead of this heavy, drudging work.  Just once I want to say well that way easy!  I feel like in the world of Lyme Disease those words just don't exist.  Its a constant battle.  And I'm doing my best not to the let the stress and constraints of this body wear me out and wear me down.  But that's easily said than done.  When I get to a place that I think most things in my life might be stable something always comes loose and that's my health.

I think that's why I haven't tried to work that much.  I've done more volunteering in case I dropped the ball, forget what I did, or just too sick to do anything.  Now I fear that if any of those things happen I will be letting people down more than ever before and I don't have time for that.  Its amazing how hard we push ourselves to the point of breaking not realizing maturity is more about how well we pace ourselves within the constraints we are given and do it well.  Its about communicating where we are, what we can do and what we cannot do and taking responsibility for it.  Its speaking for all parts of ourselves.  Being our own best advocate.  Well I guess this advocate needs to take a chill pill.  

I haven't written on my blog in so long because I haven't been able to express what I think and feel and experience.  I feel like I'm so in the thick of things that I just survive.  Sometimes that's all I can do.  Is hold on.  I only pushed my body for 4 days straight and it has taken 3 days of nothing just to feel like I can get back to everything again.  Who in their right mind would sign up for such a crazy deal.  Who would want a Chronic Illness that forces them to take a child's pace.  Who would want to worry everyday that something horrible is gonna happen if they just let go and enjoy life and live it fully.  That's what its like living in this body.  I'm always always always waiting for the other shoe to fall.  For a new diagnosis of something wrong with me.  Nightmares that I have cancer or die.  Or I end up loosing it all and falling apart forever.  

I guess that's the torturous part of this illness.  You always dread the next day because you honestly don't know what it will bring and your not sure you can handle it.  No one can promise you that the nightmare is over.  No one.  I know so many people who loose hope being sick for so long.  So I know these are all normal feelings to have.  Just because they are normal doesn't mean they loose their power to hurt.  They need a voice.  I guess that's why I'm blogging today.  To remind myself that all my parts deserve to be heard and have a valid voice and request.  To Be Still.  And that the world isn't falling apart yet.  To breathe.  That sometimes existing has its power and place.  That value isn't based upon makeup and a fresh dewy complexion, or correctly spelled words, or cool clothes, or perfect health.  Value is simply being yourself and existing.  Even that little bit has an affect upon the world.