Thursday, February 18, 2016

Inner Escape

I think we all get to this concentrated and clogged point where we stop talking and go inward.  We escape to the inner self to heal.  We run within hoping we can get skip the storm of pain and emptiness.   We try to decorate our inner homes with positive memories we hold to, holding them close reminding ourselves good things still happen on the outside just not right now and we hold on some more.  We extend hope a few more lengths.  The problem becomes when we live in our inner homes to the point we never come out.  Where we don't trust outsiders with white coats, or friends who say they care.  It's becomes our only world.  Our only internal existence.  there are many days of pain, depression and anxiety that I endured on a couch or laying on a bed exscaping to my inner world replaying old memories, thoughts, good and bad, replaying songs or old movies.  It was bits and pieces jumbled up together.  I know this may not make sense to some but I can get lost in my mind for hours or days to escape pain.  Especially the deep seeded bone pain, heart wrenching, teeth curling body and joint pain, migraines and knots of muscles and tendons mashed together in a solid mass. It makes sense that anyone would want to find a way out.  Anyone would want to find an escape route. Anyone would search for an end.  So often we meet people who seem like they are a walking Zombie, not connected or interacting.  They may seem aloof, depressed, angry or even mean with scowls on their faces.  But what are they escaping?  Stress, pain, loss,... We often stay away when someone acts like this not knowing what to do.  I have no magic potion or formula. 
 I can just say, Listen.  Be around, be available, be open, be kind, and just listen.  Because when someone feels you're genuine they will come out of their inner world in time as they see you are trustworthy and reliable.  That you are like everyone else who sizes them up in one look or assumes myths.  You're just there to listen nothing more and nothing less.  I heard a quote say once "are you listening to reply or are you listening to the person".  We inner worldly beings know the difference because we people watch for entertainment but also to protect ourselves.  We are always on high alert.  I can always tell when someone is really listening to me as a person and when they're doing it out of duty or to look good or because that's what you're suppose to do.  Just be honest and real. It always shines through. 

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Remission Where Are You?

Some days it's like I forget that I'm sick and I push and pull to do all the things I feel I should.  It's not until the pressure to move is gone and I'm home that I realize how much is on my shoulders daily and how much I have to bear up under.  I never thought I would be in a way working part time.  Non-profit doesn't mean less work.  It's passion that drives you and peoples stories that remind you why you do the work.  I just wish my son now 10 could see why I'm on the phone or making graphics.  He's so wrapped in how much he can't stand school work.  We are a homeschooly, second shift, up late kinda family.  We dance outside the box.  He cracks me up.  Little does he realize that learning is a lifelong process it doesn't keep regular hours.  It's a daily, everyday kinda thing.  His smarts and passion make me smile.  He comments and ask me now how my Lyme friends are doing.  Until he's out playing and running around and I have a few minutes to de frazzle I realize that even though he's older and can help I'm doing the pre teenager talks already.  He's changing and growing.  Some days I just hope to be a decent parent and not mess him up. When I'm sick I'm always apologizing for canceling plans or needing extra rest.  I honestly don't have the spoons to live at his speed.  I feel guilty at times still.  I work hard to get us out the door to see friends, field trips, programs.  I just loose steam even after 3-4 decent days I'm back down again needing to be closer to home and rest.  My momentum of this body is snails pace.  While my mind is running ahead of the rest of me.  We do our best to juggle all the pieces and keep everything balanced.  But I'm telling you being chronically sick on top of life is like dragging a boulder around and saying you're fine.  It's the oddest existence.  I don't look sick but some days I feel the weather changing in my bones.  Or my legs hurt as I try to fall asleep.  I still worry about secondary illnesses that could pop up.  Or injury that would set me back.  I still can't focus at times, literally loose moments I can't get back or forget a task.  It's the nagging, delaying last bit of symptoms that pull at me.  I feel like that they keep me back from my full potential and it makes me so angry.  Because I can see it but I'm unable to completely find remission.  I want to fully move forward and be fully myself.  I hate being tripped up by this body.  I want to get ahead and stay there and not worry about when I might have my next setback.  Survival mode is draining.  I want to just live.