Sunday, January 22, 2012

connection

I needed your open arms,
I needed your open chest,
I needed your open heart,
I needed your open soul.

I wanted your attention,
I wanted your affection,
I wanted your protection,
I wanted your connection.

I sought after affairs with love,
I fell in love with love,
I left love because it felt so empty.
If only my needs and wants were met to begin with.

The problem is I need connection,
To feel protection,
to accept affection,
to receive attention.

The problem is your soul was closed,
your heart guarded,
your chest protected,
your arms crossed.

"Little Bit Stronger"


I had company over last night and my friend new I had Lyme Disease really bad in the past. I showed her one of my video's on youtube where I was twitching severely. It was just one year ago that I could barely get around, fatigue, severe body and vocal twitches, bad pain, insomnia, etc. I could go on. I took a minute after seeing that video again and realized how far I have come. But also how all those years of treatment have changed the very core of who I am. I will never be the same person I was four years ago when I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. My view on life has changed so dramatically. I have stopped pushing people away who offer help instead I try to balance when I need help and when I need to push myself to do it on my own. I am trying to make positive friendships and slowly nurture them instead of being clingy. I no longer ask why me, instead I take the day I am given and make it work to the best of my ability and slowly go forward. I see my needs and acknowledge them more, I am still working on finding positive ways to get them met. Long walks have helped reduce my emotional stress level and its the first time ever really that I see exercise as a tool to help me get through my crazy week. I hope to find more time for music and photography. I understand now why healthy people don't seem to recognized those of us who are chronically ill. Its because we all have our own set of problems and challenges and some people are just more skilled at setting aside their craziness to see into the hurt of others. I am lucky that I have started to find a few of those types of people for myself. I have always been the one to listen to other peoples problems and be their support which is great. But I have needed the same support in return. They are rare jewels to me. I think my recent biggest challenge is going and accepting my miscarriage. I am at a place now where I think I can see myself trying to get pregnant again. I will never forget what happened but I am starting to move forward little by little. One of my favorite songs of recent is by Sarah Evans. In her song, "little bit stronger" she talks about how she woked up, got dressed, and got out the door when she didn't want to and got a "little bit stronger." I think that statement is really how I feel right now with everything that has happened in the past four years. I am slowly repairing day by day, little steps forward, inch by inch. I've heard someone say before some progress is better than none at all. Looking back that statement is so true, when I was so sick out of my mind I hated that statement. I wanted all the stress, pain and torture to be over with already. So when a sick friend says they want to give up, I totally get the depth of their statement. At the same time my prayer is that all my friends can get to a place of stability in their hearts, body, and soul. I am by no means in a "perfect" place. I still have pills to take to maintain my current level of health, and days when I feel trapped in this stage of my life and want so badly to move forward and explore more of what life has to offer. Life is a journey and not a destination. Its learning how to deal with the bad so when the good comes along we know to hold onto it and treasure it. I never thought my health needed to be treasured.

Friday, January 6, 2012

2012


I am turning 34 this year and I have come a long way baby. My Lyme Disease is somewhat under control and my celiac diet has helped me to gain healthy weight. I have started to work out again just walking for now. My son is gonna be 7 this summer and I am enjoying teaching some basic arts and craft classes at our Homeschool Co-op where my son attends some classes one day a week. My view of who I am and where I am going I feel is under going another revolution. I have always wanted to become a counselor after having one more child. My only set back right now is my heart racing off and on for no reason. I keep tabs on my B12 and Magnesium. I hope its not any signs of co-infections still hanging around my system. Lyme Disease is so strange. You can get to a great stretch of decent health then something happens. And you are reminded of the bugs that can still come out to play if you are not careful. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. A blood test that comes back positive for Lyme Disease or co-infections. Or an accident like breaking a bone that puts my body back in the same place I was before. Then I realized this is what most people feel that have chronic illness. The high and lows of our day to day existence. It has taught me that never to put all my hopes in the unattainable perfect health. But to focus on each day and do my best to take care of myself. As a mom I've had to put myself in my own schedule and realize if I don't take care of my own needs in the end my health will only get worse. I've had to put in down days in our schedule as a homeschool family. Also my personality needs some refuel time or I get grouchy anyways. I wasn't built to go at lightening speed. I am trying to listen to my own pace and realize my own limits. I wish I had the ability to go full out but maybe its better to stop and smell the roses once in a while anyways. It is nice now to have the ability now to push it at times and do lots of stuff. But at some point I have to slow it down and refuel again. Its just me and this is who I am. If someone doesn't understand that they can get over it! :) I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin. And I am realizing more and more what my needs are and what I deserve to have in my life. To be seen and heard, to be valued, to be treated with kindness. I like my thirties! I've been exploring going vegan and juicing. Finding things that help reduce my stress like walking and photography. I wonder what this year has in store for me. I hope there are some fun and amazing moments ahead.