Who Am I?

It was my NI was bit by a tick at the age of 12 years old and I have a distinct memory of the bullseye on my upper right leg. I remember wondering if a tick bit me or a spider. Either I was bit by a tick from Maine or Long Island, NY. Around the same time this all happened I lived a short less than a years time in NY and then moved back to my official state of Maine where I have lived my whole life except that short NY stay. When we moved back I didn't think about that bullseye again until 18 years later. During those 18 years I had several years with bad teen asthma, allergies, hospital emergency stays, severe girl problems, and it wasn't until I was put a little drug called Lupron that my Lyme really hit high gear. After one year on this drug I was totally wrecked. I had been on several other hormonal drugs but this one really pushed my body over the edge. My paranoia kicked into high gear, high anxiety with severe bouts of depression to the point of thinking of ways to kill myself, socially I really had no clue how to make friends, my acne and skin still had weird rashes and wouldn't go away no matter what I tried, nerve pain down my legs from my lower back for as long as I could remember somehow became worse and I couldn't wear high heals because it made this symptom worse and that is still true today, my scalp was full of dandruff and scales and no matter what shampoo or medication I was given it never seemed to solve this problem to this day, PMS was off the charts painful and now all over the counter pain medications or perscribed I have a tolerance to and I just deal with it, even homeopathic pain relievers do not work so far; only treatment of my Lyme seems to make the pain dull out slowly, my lips and eyes started to twitch more and more, intense ringing in my ears, I would see things out of the corner of my eye that were not there, I still hear sounds that are not happening, herpes simplex outbreaks on and in my mouth starting happening more and more and getting worse each time, never truly feeling rested after a full nights sleep, hot flashes for no reason and I still have those, NO energy then and now; B12 shots help some, etc. I could keep going. D who suggested I fill out a symptom chart and I was not convinced to get tested until I did fill the chart out and realized I had over 50 symptoms at some point in the last 18 years. I was scared and worried. When the test came back positive for Lyme, I went into angry mode. I was angry at being misdiagnosed for so long, the price tag for the Lyme medications, the financial stress I was feeling, family members who kept telling me to just get it together and clean my house, church members telling me I was too needy and feeling sorry for myself and to get over it, family members who didn't support me before my diagnosis but suddenly supported me know that I had a name for my list of problems, and worried I would never get better again. No one tells you that you will grieve your loss of health and all that entails over and over again. I feel like I am in a cycle that plays out daily of hating this, to being okay with it, to anger, frustration, seeing the beauty in the pain, finding ways to cope,etc. I feel like I have felt every emotion possible and some days it feels like I go through so many emotions I can't keep up. My biggest concerns is for the impact on my family and especially my young son who I take care of full time. I worry he could get this too. I was active when I was pregnant and so far he is healthy. This journey has taught me a lot. I just hope this healing process doesn't take a life time to figure out but either way I intend on educating people along the way and bring as many great friends as possible.  

I wrote this introduction 5 years ago and I've been in treatment now going on 7 years.  I can only say as an advocate that this journey has not been easy and I cannot promise you that your journey will be any different.  Lyme Disease is a multi-dimensional disease.  And I cannot lie.  The testing is sub part, diagnosis needs to be Clinical and done by a Lyme Literate Professional, and so much of our genetics, age, gender, even soci-economic standing comes into play.  I've watched so many people either take their lives because this road has been so cruel and hard or gone into bankruptcy and depression.  So be forewarned this is not an easy path to better health.  I am not offering any quick magic pill solutions.  But I will be gut level honest.  My blog will break your heart and awaken your soul.  You might read and cry and say YES ME TOO!  You will see mispelled words and incorrect sentences and once in a while a nugget of wisdom might even pop up when my brain fog has lifted.  What I can promise you is that I am here, walking beside you on the same path, doing my best to survive.  I'm now 70% better and my Lyme Disease and Babesia infections are gone.  My strain of Bartonella just won't leave no matter what I try.  So I do my best.  The fatigue, brain fog, anger, and pain are still an everyday occurrence with different levels of torture depends on the day, week or month.  Sometimes you may see me, read me or chat with me and I see normal but underneath I have changed and shifted permanently that I will never be the same person I was before treatment.  I am also stronger and more determined more than ever to help those with vector borne illness as I struggle balancing homeschooling my son, keep my marriage going, pay bills, keep the house semi-clean, and try to have something resembling a life.  I can only promise truth, gut level honesty, and vulnerbility.  

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