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Showing posts from September, 2010

Running away with myself

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Why is it when things get tough we just decide to runaway. Whether its depression, chocolate, blasting some hard rock, music, photography or just day dreaming of a day without stress or problems. It doesn't solve a stinkin' thing but I still do it from time to time. I forget how many balls I'm really juggling. I need ME time too even though it seems I get lots of it in bed sleeping or sitting in a chair watching movies. Just for the record that doesn't fill the ME time requirement. I so need to go to a concert and sing until my vocal cords fall off, see a girl movie with a good friend, or just go by myself and take some fun photo shots all alone. I torture myself by taking care of everyone else. I am such a good mom and wife and I run myself into the ground before I get some ME time. Maybe I should learn from my mistakes and get over it already and get some much needed therapy. Chocolate is not enough anymore. I should runaway with myself and find MYSELF! I need some …

Feeling the strain

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I really wanted to get out and enjoy the day with my son and husband. I am so sick of being sick! F--K Lyme! I take 30 pills a day. You would think something would work by now. I need something to work towards. I need a new goal. Maybe I need to focus on getting a viewing of UOS in our area soon. Maybe this fall at the Frontire. What I hate about this disease the most is that it wears down your soul. I want to fight but some days I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself. I guess today is that day. I wish I could just move beyond my broken heart in a hurry and just walk out that door and make pretend I'm not sick and just enjoy life. Its just not that easy any more. I feel like I watch the world pass me by mean while time keeps ticking and I just become older. My life has to count for something more than just Lyme Disease. I will fight it and I plan to kick its a--. But this journey is exhausting and heart wrenching. No one should have to go through this daily torture. Its inh…

The Now

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I wasn't expecting Lyme Disease to help me heal from the other hurts in my life. I am amazed at how much I've grown and let go of. I think sitting in a chair day after day has allowed me time to think about certain areas of my life and do the necessary work to get past certain pieces of pain. No one tells you that chronic illness brings out the old hurts. But just like Lyme Disease each time I get through one layer of pain and new one needs to be walked through, endured, and made peace with. Realizing that "it has nothing to do with me" and "falling" are the two pieces that God has given me to know how to deal with this crazy life I've been given. I thought people treated me badly either because I deserved it and did something wrong or I just wasn't a person that people wanted to get to know. I don't carry that burden with me any longer. I feel a lot freer because of that. Learning to not be a super woman and just be myself and take my …