Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Running away with myself

Why is it when things get tough we just decide to runaway. Whether its depression, chocolate, blasting some hard rock, music, photography or just day dreaming of a day without stress or problems. It doesn't solve a stinkin' thing but I still do it from time to time. I forget how many balls I'm really juggling. I need ME time too even though it seems I get lots of it in bed sleeping or sitting in a chair watching movies. Just for the record that doesn't fill the ME time requirement. I so need to go to a concert and sing until my vocal cords fall off, see a girl movie with a good friend, or just go by myself and take some fun photo shots all alone. I torture myself by taking care of everyone else. I am such a good mom and wife and I run myself into the ground before I get some ME time. Maybe I should learn from my mistakes and get over it already and get some much needed therapy. Chocolate is not enough anymore. I should runaway with myself and find MYSELF! I need some new direction, dreams, ambition, etc. I need to fill up again. I just feel so empty. I have lots that I want to do at the same time and no courage to get it done. Such a weird feeling. I don't like being in the gray area. Half healthy, half sick. Limbo! I wish it could just go in one direction or the other already. This girl needs to have some fun! I want one of those laughs where you don't admit you almost peed your pants. :) I want to really smile, not the fake ones for photographs. I want to enjoy the life I've been given even though it seems like a crazy mess, its not half bad. I don't want to be a pedestrian. I want to be on a bike riding into the sunset. I haven't been on one since forever ago. I miss the feeling. I want to help produce music, play with charcoals on an open canvas, go sailing, sing in front of people and actually sound good, join a rock band, travel the world, etc. Lots to do and a body that gets in the way. I get in my own way. Maybe I need to stop running away and just start being brave in my own life. I like that idea better.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Feeling the strain

I really wanted to get out and enjoy the day with my son and husband. I am so sick of being sick! F--K Lyme! I take 30 pills a day. You would think something would work by now. I need something to work towards. I need a new goal. Maybe I need to focus on getting a viewing of UOS in our area soon. Maybe this fall at the Frontire. What I hate about this disease the most is that it wears down your soul. I want to fight but some days I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself. I guess today is that day. I wish I could just move beyond my broken heart in a hurry and just walk out that door and make pretend I'm not sick and just enjoy life. Its just not that easy any more. I feel like I watch the world pass me by mean while time keeps ticking and I just become older. My life has to count for something more than just Lyme Disease. I will fight it and I plan to kick its a--. But this journey is exhausting and heart wrenching. No one should have to go through this daily torture. Its inhumane. There has to be more to this life than this crumbling body. My body is failing body traps my soul and I have to find a way to get out of it. To surpass it. To over come Lyme. Where will my story end? Or is it suppose to? I've always thought that God can use the dark to help bring light to others. I do think he uses my experiences to shed light on the pain of others. I just wish I could see that plan more clearly today. I wish this train wreck made more sense. Right now it just sucks! I just want a break and I'm not getting it. How do I keep going like this? Some days I just don't know how I even get through the day. Its got to be by the grace of God. By the skin of my teeth. Holding on by the tips of my fingers. A while back I thought if I went to the newspapers to share my story I could change the world. Right now I just want to get through this crappy day and start anew tomorrow. I was promised a better life than this. We all were. Where did it go? It just isn't fair. I have a beautiful son who deserves a healthy mother. I deserve to start a photography business and enjoy my life. I deserve more. I even deserve to have fun. To have a life that doesn't sit on the edge all the time. The edge of a cliff. I feel like I stare into the darkness too often. I need to see some fireworks to pierce the night and bring wonder back into my life. To be moved by bits of stringy light. Or maybe its the fact we are all together watching the fireworks, a community that makes each member stronger simply by being together. I think I need both today.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The Now

I wasn't expecting Lyme Disease to help me heal from the other hurts in my life. I am amazed at how much I've grown and let go of. I think sitting in a chair day after day has allowed me time to think about certain areas of my life and do the necessary work to get past certain pieces of pain. No one tells you that chronic illness brings out the old hurts. But just like Lyme Disease each time I get through one layer of pain and new one needs to be walked through, endured, and made peace with. Realizing that "it has nothing to do with me" and "falling" are the two pieces that God has given me to know how to deal with this crazy life I've been given. I thought people treated me badly either because I deserved it and did something wrong or I just wasn't a person that people wanted to get to know. I don't carry that burden with me any longer. I feel a lot freer because of that. Learning to not be a super woman and just be myself and take my time is a harder concept. I always want to go above and beyond for my family. Especially my son, I see other moms doing so many cool things with their kids. I feel bad when we only watch a movie and some how crawl through the day together. I am amazed how tolerate and flexible my son is. He makes me smile and he gives me a reason to keep fighting and moving forward. My husband makes me laugh at this crazy disease. He's so funny sometimes. He know even knows my limits. When I want to push past them a little too far and probably make myself sicker, he reminds me to not over do it. I appreciate that. I have some good close friends now and a best girl friend too. Gotta have a girl friend to talk too, I love my guys but I need some estrogen once in a while too! I am so glad I have Beth in my life. I can talk about anything. But I always find myself talking about marriage, my son, life, dreams, everything, including lots of laughing! Also my online Lyme community has grown and I feel blessed to have so many Lyme friends that I can talk to day or night when I feel the blues coming, good day or bad, or questions, I am never alone. I never thought this would be my life. I am glad I still have dreams to pursue. They keep me moving forwards. I really want to get involved in the local Lyme Disease groups, especially in education and advocacy. I worry about the air hunger is the Babesia back, will the Bartonella ever go away, how do I get off antibiotics without ending up in the ER again. As things start to get better, I worry the rug is about to be pulled out from under me. I pray the progress continues. My body is telling me its time to go to bed. I need to see my Lyme doc tomorrow and make some decisions. I will feel better when I have a plan in place.