Feeling the strain

I really wanted to get out and enjoy the day with my son and husband. I am so sick of being sick! F--K Lyme! I take 30 pills a day. You would think something would work by now. I need something to work towards. I need a new goal. Maybe I need to focus on getting a viewing of UOS in our area soon. Maybe this fall at the Frontire. What I hate about this disease the most is that it wears down your soul. I want to fight but some days I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself. I guess today is that day. I wish I could just move beyond my broken heart in a hurry and just walk out that door and make pretend I'm not sick and just enjoy life. Its just not that easy any more. I feel like I watch the world pass me by mean while time keeps ticking and I just become older. My life has to count for something more than just Lyme Disease. I will fight it and I plan to kick its a--. But this journey is exhausting and heart wrenching. No one should have to go through this daily torture. Its inhumane. There has to be more to this life than this crumbling body. My body is failing body traps my soul and I have to find a way to get out of it. To surpass it. To over come Lyme. Where will my story end? Or is it suppose to? I've always thought that God can use the dark to help bring light to others. I do think he uses my experiences to shed light on the pain of others. I just wish I could see that plan more clearly today. I wish this train wreck made more sense. Right now it just sucks! I just want a break and I'm not getting it. How do I keep going like this? Some days I just don't know how I even get through the day. Its got to be by the grace of God. By the skin of my teeth. Holding on by the tips of my fingers. A while back I thought if I went to the newspapers to share my story I could change the world. Right now I just want to get through this crappy day and start anew tomorrow. I was promised a better life than this. We all were. Where did it go? It just isn't fair. I have a beautiful son who deserves a healthy mother. I deserve to start a photography business and enjoy my life. I deserve more. I even deserve to have fun. To have a life that doesn't sit on the edge all the time. The edge of a cliff. I feel like I stare into the darkness too often. I need to see some fireworks to pierce the night and bring wonder back into my life. To be moved by bits of stringy light. Or maybe its the fact we are all together watching the fireworks, a community that makes each member stronger simply by being together. I think I need both today.


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