Tuesday, June 29, 2010

When I feel Alive


When I feel alive I laugh without restraint,
My face is relaxed,
And I can enjoy the moment with ease.

When I feel alive minutes pass like hours,
As if I were a part of slow motion film,
I treasure each moment without regret.

When I feel alive hugs and kisses are all I need,
The unselfish act and
The freely given heart melt me.

When I feel alive the colors around seem so vivid,
Each moment is a photograph that deserves a frame,
I am kept in wonder and amazement at the beauty surrounding me.

When I feel alive, Lyme Disease is a word that seems so far away from me.
I gladly take the vacation. (smile)

Friday, June 25, 2010

Feeling Useless


Sometimes I think I need to just keep going and stop complaining. I think a lot of times that's what other people want me to do. I feel like I am acting healthy when I feel so unhealthy. Its not fair. I just want to be me Lyme, crazy and all. I don't want my Lyme to be everything I am. I just wish my body would co-operate enough so I could do more physical things like getting my photography business going or working part time out of the house. I only have so much energy after taking care of my son. I am left with little at the end of the day. The money stress is really getting to me. One month we start to actually get ahead then all the medical bills hit and we are behind all over again. I am amazed how quickly money can fall out the window. It breaks my heart that I can't help contribute financially to my family. It makes me feel useless. I guess that's the dark truth of it all. It really does bring down my self worth too. I see myself as weak and lazy instead of courageous. Its hard to change my perspective when I'm paying bills. The thought of getting disability makes me feel defeated. I gave up so I'm trying to get disability. That's what it sounds like to me. I was brought up to be independent and take care of myself. No handouts. I am sick and tired of feeling so needy. I just feel burned out and weak. Useless.