By Now

 

photograph by Angele Rice at Two Lights State Park Maine

By now I was suppose to be a mom of 3 kids,
by now I was suppose to be healthy,
by now I was suppose to be able to move mountains.

My dark encased eyes,
shaking hands,
and foggy brained moments
are all I have left
 of the dreams I once had

By now I was suppose to have a masters degree
by now I was suppose to have a second car
by now I was suppose to have a career

Everyday is guess
Can I get out of bed?
Where did I put my car keys?
I have no energy at all
I can' t focus anymore

By now I was suppose to have lots of friends
by now I was suppose to be able to travel long distances
by now I was suppose to be able to try anything physical I wanted to

When did my life become an odd session of compromises
If I do this, how horrible will I feel later
If I take this herbal/medicine how horrible will I feel until I start to feel better
If I go do something I enjoy, I pay
If I take my medicine, I pay
If I don't take my medicine, I pay
when can I get off this merry go round

When can I stop wondering when the other shoe will fall everyday
when do I get my life back
what is normal

By now I was suppose to plan my day around my interests, not my body
by now I was suppose to learn to play guitar not ration my precious energy
by now I was suppose do something worth meaning because just breathing is not enough anymore

when does this end?

 

Photography by Angele Rice at Two Lights State Park Maine