I am back on treatment for Bartonella after almost a year of being off treatment.  It is only irony that almost one year later I have to start paying out of pocket for new herbs, go see my ND every 6 weeks, and stop my 2 miles walks.  The fatigue is back and my magic hour is around 5pm.  I start to nod off on the couch trying to keep up with my son and house.  The floors need cleaning and dishes need to be put away but I am at the point I just don't care I am so tired.  My small body twitches are back too and as I realize all the symptoms that have left and returned you would think I would be tearing my hair out.  Instead I am either anxious or depressed, relationships scare me.  I keep wondering if I am saying too much, too little or just not making sense at all.  Too bad face to face conversations don't have backspace buttons to push every time I make a mistake.  I could use a redo.  I keep going back to certain key relationships in my life trying to make peace with the hard truth.  That some relationships will never be what I wish or dreamed they would be.  Its hard to take my head out of the clouds and face reality.  Some people will never change or my reaction to them can.  I am trying to forgive and work within the relationship as best I can.  I guess Lyme Disease has taught me that healing doesn't come over night but in layers.  I guess my heart will heal in a similar manner.  I just wish it would hurry up and be over with.  I look at other families and tight friendships and wish I had the same thing.  The big family that gets together which mine doesn't.  Or the key group of friends from college or high school, I am more of a loner so that didn't happen for me.  I have always been friends with a few key people and that's it.  I am learning to network while homeschooling my son.  For his sake I have had to learn some more people skills.  I am not a natural connector.  I have always been the listener.  Its amazing how an illness can teach you certain lessons that can be used in other situations.  I never though Lyme would make me better.  Believe me not all of this is peaches and cream.  I hate being on new meds that make my monthly budget even tighter.  And I hate it when my son gets lonely on the weekends when my husband works and while his friends are at their family get together's.  Its easy to feel isolated.  I keeping wanting to be by myself more and more.  I have relied on myself as an only child a little too often.  I can get into a mode where I shut off my feelings and bury them down deep.  At the same time, I wonder if people can see the hurt I wear on my face.  I keep thinking of different activities I could plunge myself into and forget about my own craziness for a while.  I still want to go to the local art museum and look through the paintings by myself and enjoy them for a time.  I am so used to my son being with me everywhere I go.  I don't mind it but I think I need to recharge my batteries again.  I am starting to feel tapped out at this point.  I can swallow pills and follow doctors orders.  But my soul needs a break from all of this and I need to relax.  I think tomorrow when my son and husband go to a baseball game I will have some time to myself.  I am looking forward to some silence.

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