Over Come Lyme: A diary of the battle to keep hope alive that I will one day be healthy again.
I am back on treatment for Bartonella after almost a year of being off treatment. It is only irony that almost one year later I have to start paying out of pocket for new herbs, go see my ND every 6 weeks, and stop my 2 miles walks. The fatigue is back and my magic hour is around 5pm. I start to nod off on the couch trying to keep up with my son and house. The floors need cleaning and dishes need to be put away but I am at the point I just don't care I am so tired. My small body twitches are back too and as I realize all the symptoms that have left and returned you would think I would be tearing my hair out. Instead I am either anxious or depressed, relationships scare me. I keep wondering if I am saying too much, too little or just not making sense at all. Too bad face to face conversations don't have backspace buttons to push every time I make a mistake. I could use a redo. I keep going back to certain key relationships in my life trying to make peace with the hard truth. That some relationships will never be what I wish or dreamed they would be. Its hard to take my head out of the clouds and face reality. Some people will never change or my reaction to them can. I am trying to forgive and work within the relationship as best I can. I guess Lyme Disease has taught me that healing doesn't come over night but in layers. I guess my heart will heal in a similar manner. I just wish it would hurry up and be over with. I look at other families and tight friendships and wish I had the same thing. The big family that gets together which mine doesn't. Or the key group of friends from college or high school, I am more of a loner so that didn't happen for me. I have always been friends with a few key people and that's it. I am learning to network while homeschooling my son. For his sake I have had to learn some more people skills. I am not a natural connector. I have always been the listener. Its amazing how an illness can teach you certain lessons that can be used in other situations. I never though Lyme would make me better. Believe me not all of this is peaches and cream. I hate being on new meds that make my monthly budget even tighter. And I hate it when my son gets lonely on the weekends when my husband works and while his friends are at their family get together's. Its easy to feel isolated. I keeping wanting to be by myself more and more. I have relied on myself as an only child a little too often. I can get into a mode where I shut off my feelings and bury them down deep. At the same time, I wonder if people can see the hurt I wear on my face. I keep thinking of different activities I could plunge myself into and forget about my own craziness for a while. I still want to go to the local art museum and look through the paintings by myself and enjoy them for a time. I am so used to my son being with me everywhere I go. I don't mind it but I think I need to recharge my batteries again. I am starting to feel tapped out at this point. I can swallow pills and follow doctors orders. But my soul needs a break from all of this and I need to relax. I think tomorrow when my son and husband go to a baseball game I will have some time to myself. I am looking forward to some silence.