Detoxing the Soul

After a year in remission with this illness, I now have to find a way to come to terms with being back on treatment.  I didn't realize until today how much anger and resentment I have towards this illness being back in my life.  After 4 years, I can handle the pill popping and the bad days that come with herxing and needing to detox my body.  I have found ways to make myself happy like photography and breaks from taking care of my young son.  But how do you really detox the soul from all the hurt, self blame, physical pain, outbursts of anger, out of this world rage that's not you, depression that just seems to take over, and anxiety that someone might see your body out of control.  I feel like I have already dealt with this disease for way to long.  Each day that I am back on treatment seems to make it that much harder to get myself out of bed and into life again.  I wish there was just a way for someone to breath life into me again.  Its like someone knock the hope right out of me.  I am not mad at God which I am surprised at.  And even though help and support is limited in some ways I am not completely alone or uncared for.  I guess I feel Lyme Disease is a constant enemy of mine that doesn't care I was enjoying my freedom from fist full of pills and days on the couch.  Lyme Disease is like an enemy in wait.  I felt like it was following me around like my shadow does.  A part of me even though I was physically feeling better for a time.  Nobody can hand you a booklet saying here is the best way to stay sane during treatment for Lyme Disease.  And by the way when you are physically doing better all the mental stuff will be better too.  Just because my body was in check for a time my mind constantly wondered when it was going to come back.  And then it does come back which stinks all the more because it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.  That Lyme Disease will always come back, you will never get "better", "heal", "overcome".  I have been in pain or sick most of my life.  I just wonder if God just decided she gets to be the sick one to teach others how to live a life while being sick.  I have no answers on how to do that exactly by the way.  I wish the heck I did.  Why does everyone else seem to have it all then? health, support, family around to help, finances that are okay, multiple kids, fun, etc.  Why did I pick the short end of the stick?  Why is it me?  I don't think anymore that I did anything wrong to cause this.  Why would I?  Who on earth in their right mind would want a disease that even most doctors say doesn't exist and have pain beyond imagination.  No one would want this! No one!  So why does it have to be me all over again, and again and again?  Don't I deserve a break too?!  Maybe in a past life I was really notty?  I don't want to end my life anymore I just want to run away from all the additional life stressor's.  I guess I just want someone to hold me until I feel comfortable enough to cry and ball my head off.  For them to say nothing but hold me even when I want them to let go.   An understanding between us that this just sucks, nothing else.  I haven't been held like that in a while.  I wish we could do that for each other in the online world.  I know we try and in some ways it does translate.  Somedays for me its just not enough.  I miss the hugs that squeezed the dark pain right out of me.  I guess my heart needed some detoxing.  I needed to give myself the permission to say it like it is.  I wish this illness was gone.  What sucks is that it is here all over again.


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