I am not Fine

I'm not fine.  I worry everyday that I will be told I'm going through menopause and have cancer.  

I'm not fine and give everyone everything.  And I left with nothing but feeling drained.  I'm not fine I feel numb, lost, exhausted, sad, alone.  

I'm not fine I feel like I have no meaning.  And if I was gone no one would notice.  Only thing they would miss for a fleeting moment is what I did for them only.  But they would never miss me.  I'm just used and disposable.  Just like a plastic red cup. 

I am not fine the physical pain is always there in some form but it never stops ever.  

I am not fine I don't feel rested, I feel like I'm watching myself trying to live a life but why does it have to be so fucking hard. 

I am not fine I just want to be alone in my dark place.  It's the only familiar place I know only too well.

I am not fine the anxiety, depression, brain fog, muscle spasms, eye fog I hate it.  Just because I move everyday doesn't mean I'm fine. 

I am not fine I'm sick of the psoriasis, itchy crawly skin, medical bills, a couple of good days then bad days.  Why can't they all be good. 

I am not fine and I'm sick of the everyday fucking struggle to just get up and live. 

I'd rather be fine than chronically sick everyday of the week, year after year.  I would trade anything I have to not be her.  The one that has to say she's fine but never is. 

If I have to say one more fucking time that I'm fine I will rip out my hair.  

Because I'm not fine.

I will never be fine. 

And no one including me can change that. 

I am not fine at all.  

Stop telling me, fixing me, giving me band aides, advice, sayings, poor yous, 

Cause guess what, I am not fine!!!

And there's no pill to fix this.

I am not fine.  I feel like I dying from the inside out on every level.  

Would you be fine with that?

~Angele Rice