Truth Out


I have to be honest today has been a rough day.  I got lost the the back roads with GPS and I lost it.  I wanted to scream and cry.  I couldn't get past the anxiety and frustration.  I was unable to navigate roads I knew as a kid.  I was shaking and when I finally arrived at my destination I had to sit in my car.  The thought of dealing with crowds of people made my anxiety worse.  I felt on the edge of the world and all the meanwhile my son needed me to come back down to earth.  I mean I am an adult I should be able to keep my brains together but I couldn't.  I was in pain and I was loosing it. 
After awhile I was able to get out of the car but my hands were still shaky from the rush of anxiety.  It was embarrassing to not be my happy cheery self.  I wanted to hide what just happened.  I was also having one of those body image days and worried how I would look in pictures.  I felt so ugly.  My skin was broken out but makeup can't make low confidence and anxiety go away.  Lyme disease exposes our deepest darkest pain and weaknesses.  It amplifies them at times when you least expect it.  It steals away what little self esteem and confidence I have.  I feel like I have to fight to rebuild everyday.  It's hard to explain that to someone who sees you and thinks you look fine.  I understand people can't see all of the burdens I carry around with me. Sometimes I hide behind that wall praying no one will notice.  Then there are days you wish someone would rescue from your internal torment, hug you and tell you, you are valuable especially on the days when it's hardest to convience yourself of that.  I have always struggled with how I look to others.  Now I hate how I look in general. It's hard to like a body that is full of daily aches and pains.  What is hard is moving beyond the self hatred and starting to love yourself scars and mess and all.  I made the mistake a long time ago to love and take care of everyone else.  I forgot to love myself.  It's time I started learning how to on a new level.

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