I just want a break

As a Lyme Disease Survivor you would think I would be used to disappointment, let downs, lost friendships, hurt, pain, but the sting of it never wears off each time it happens no matter how hard you try.  It is very real each time.  I honestly don't know how I can look at going back on treatment again thinking it would be a breeze.  I realized oh too quick it was going to kick my ass all over again.  I can lead a somewhat normal life.  At least it "looks" normal, whatever that means.  I feel horrible at night with the air hunger its like an asthma attack back to back.  I have little relief from the feeling.  So any housework or short walks make me feel out of breath like a brick is on my chest that never leaves and I still have to move on doing what I need to do despite it.  It wears on a persons soul having to push through despite feeling physical useless some days.  You know you have the muscles and the endurance but the feeling is over powering.  I that feeling of loss.  It scraps away at my hope.  I just want to get off this treatment and give up.  Pretend everything is okay and move on.  I know I can't do that.  This is the truth of Lyme Disease.  The ugly truth. 
I had dreams like having three kids by now, in a finished house, with my family and friends close.  The longer I am in treatment the longer I feel the isolation Lyme brings.  I do have some friends that are kind and family who care.  I just wish it was like when my grandparents were alive when my Dad's side of the family got together.  Not anymore.  I hate holidays.  The holidays like Easter that my family used to celebrate those traditions are long gone but I still miss those get together's.  I morn them.  Nothing like combining an old Loss with a new one to make your holiday even better.  I get so angry because I can't change the way things are.  I still need to finish out this treatment and I can't force my family to connect with each other again.  Both are out of my hands and it hurts.  I guess I am morning a loss deeper than just Lyme Disease.  Its layers of pain.  And I feel like there is no way around it.  It just keeps welling up inside me. I just want relief.  I'd rather deal with the Lyme than deal with pain of the soul on top of it.  But this is the journey we all face.  Making peace with reality of circumstances is never easy. 

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