The Now

I wasn't expecting Lyme Disease to help me heal from the other hurts in my life. I am amazed at how much I've grown and let go of. I think sitting in a chair day after day has allowed me time to think about certain areas of my life and do the necessary work to get past certain pieces of pain. No one tells you that chronic illness brings out the old hurts. But just like Lyme Disease each time I get through one layer of pain and new one needs to be walked through, endured, and made peace with. Realizing that "it has nothing to do with me" and "falling" are the two pieces that God has given me to know how to deal with this crazy life I've been given. I thought people treated me badly either because I deserved it and did something wrong or I just wasn't a person that people wanted to get to know. I don't carry that burden with me any longer. I feel a lot freer because of that. Learning to not be a super woman and just be myself and take my time is a harder concept. I always want to go above and beyond for my family. Especially my son, I see other moms doing so many cool things with their kids. I feel bad when we only watch a movie and some how crawl through the day together. I am amazed how tolerate and flexible my son is. He makes me smile and he gives me a reason to keep fighting and moving forward. My husband makes me laugh at this crazy disease. He's so funny sometimes. He know even knows my limits. When I want to push past them a little too far and probably make myself sicker, he reminds me to not over do it. I appreciate that. I have some good close friends now and a best girl friend too. Gotta have a girl friend to talk too, I love my guys but I need some estrogen once in a while too! I am so glad I have Beth in my life. I can talk about anything. But I always find myself talking about marriage, my son, life, dreams, everything, including lots of laughing! Also my online Lyme community has grown and I feel blessed to have so many Lyme friends that I can talk to day or night when I feel the blues coming, good day or bad, or questions, I am never alone. I never thought this would be my life. I am glad I still have dreams to pursue. They keep me moving forwards. I really want to get involved in the local Lyme Disease groups, especially in education and advocacy. I worry about the air hunger is the Babesia back, will the Bartonella ever go away, how do I get off antibiotics without ending up in the ER again. As things start to get better, I worry the rug is about to be pulled out from under me. I pray the progress continues. My body is telling me its time to go to bed. I need to see my Lyme doc tomorrow and make some decisions. I will feel better when I have a plan in place.