Anything but that

Luke 22:39-46 Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him. 40 On reaching the place, he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation.” 41 He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” 43 An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. 44 And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. 45 When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow.

I think my saying with the whole Lyme thing is, "Anything but that." Now as I face facts, my current Lyme treatments are not enough and again I need to go on antibiotics. They kill my stomach and so I am faced with the idea now of a PICC line or a port-a-cath to by-pass my stomach. I have always said to myself I can handle the pain, the herxing, the sweats, acne, migraines, etc. as long as I don't have to go back to antibiotics again and don't have to have one of those PICC lines, I'll be all set. So here I am facing the very thing I really don't want to do. Not sure what will happen until next week when my test results come back. My hair is starting to fall out again more than usual and the pain is getting worse. I know its time to take a harder medication. But I really don't want to. I think that's why I keep going back to Jesus in the garden. I think he had to face a harsher reality than mine but the struggle to make peace with situations that are hard are still the same. It becomes a question of "will's". I want God's will for my life but thinking that hard medications, MRI's, and tubes coming out of me would be part of that plan seems a tad bit crazy to me. I wish I could see the bigger plan. I have learned that holding on through a situation takes and makes a person's character than running away. The disciples ran away but Jesus faced the task at hand. I can't imagine facing death alone. I do have some great friends and family in my life supporting me. But you feel very alone when you realize you are the one going to the pharmacy and you alone have to take the drugs and you alone have to the deal with the side affects and pain. I wish there was a way out of this Lyme; a miracle healing, rapture, a new body would be nice. Then I think of friends who have died of cancer, diagnosed with it, or currently fighting. Then I can see some purpose in fighting Lyme. I know I am not alone in that fight. I have too many friends who have it. Its just another loss I have to face. I am not excited about that prospect. Sometimes I feel upset and think this whole thing is unfair and I get angry. Then I realize there are people sicker than me. Maybe if I just hold on, I can help someone else do the same. Then at least this whole crazy process would have purpose. My biggest concern is the impact this will have on my family, my body, my friends, and my abilities to get out the door and take care of the house. I am off the easy road and onto the hard road again. This isn't fair! I just hope I can get to the place where God's will rules and I can set mine aside for his. Only he knows where all of this is going. A place of surrender is a hard spot to get to. Wrestling emotionally just takes a lot out of you. I feel like I have to grieve a loss all over again. I am not looking forward to it. I just started to get my life back, more energy, less pain and now I feel like I am loosing that all over again. I think that's the bottom line. And its just not fair. Dear God, help to surrender to your plans and will. Amen.


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