Trying to keep hope alive is sometimes the hardest job any sick person can have. I feel the constant need to prove to others and myself that the really do work and I am getting better. Problem is I do well for a few weeks maybe even a month and then I feel worse again. I can live with the acne, painful joints, and dark circles underneath my eyes but I cannot stand the full body muscles twitches. Its a visible symptom that most people can see. My body jerks around like someone with tourettes syndrome. I can feel the build up of energy inside my body right before my arms, legs, and/or head move in unpredictable directions. I feel so embarrassed. I hope that no one realizes what is happening to me. At the same time, conflicting as it may seem I wish someone did see what was happening and having an understanding heart about the whole situation. The only group of people who truly get what I am talking about are others with the same disease. It is a relief to talk to someone else with Lyme disease and not have to explain why I am missing spelling words, jumbling my sentences, and not making complete sense. On days like these when the herxing makes my daily symptoms worse I start to loose hope that I will ever get better. My mind starts to wonder off into worse case scenarios and what if's. Will I ever get better really? Does that even exist for me? I wish healthy people could see the true pain that I carry around every day. At the same time I understand no one can fix me. Some open ears would be nice to find. I could use an extra portion of hope, faith, vision, energy etc. today. I think I deserve a break from being sick. I think I've learned my lessons and now its time to move on. I know this is not going to happen. In some form or fashion I will always live with this disease until the day I die. Then my son comes into the room asking for my help and I realize I just don't have time to feel sorry for myself today. I have more important things to do like raising my son. I guess its giving myself permission to have a time to let it all go. This blog is my place to just let it all out and purge the dark feelings out and away from me. Today I just wish I was healthy.


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